Let’s see, how was December?
- I was posting basically just steps, and very little other kind of posts. This was because I had exams and I was studying for them, but also I was so focused on the things I was doing, that I couldn’t even think about something else or some ideas.
- My motivation was quite good, but also, as I have mentioned above, I was very focused. In one moment, when I just lost my routine with some unplanned things, I felt bad again.
- December was the end of everything – I stopped going to psychologist, the first semester of master was finished, I didn’t give spanish classes, etc. That was kind of strange feeling of emptiness, but I tried to fill it with other things.
- Talking about my ex, that was quite good month, despite of these year festivals which we were used to spend together. I thought, it will be more difficult. Yes, I cried during 24th of December, and on New Year’s Eve, but I was able to stop me and try to think different things. On 24th of December he said he still loved me, that made me feel better, but on new year’s eve I started to think, maybe he loves me like a friend, like an important person in his life, but not like a woman. Anyway, I’m realising that it’s really the end of our relationship, and the time is passing, so I have no other option just to let it go if I want some other experiences to come into my life. I know that I won’t have anybody else like him, but I’m not afraid to stay alone all my life.
- My mood was ok during this month, I finally defined who is who in my life, from whom I could expect what. I’m glad I’ve started some new relationships since September. I’m surprised, that since the autumn I was not very sociable, and I didn’t even want to see people in my eyes, but at the end somehow I manage to start to create the relationship.
- My study results are stunning, considering, that I had very hard semester, sometimes there was an absence of will to read and to study. I’m waiting for my last result, but there rest are 10,10,10 and 9.
- I made a list of good and bad things which had happened last year and realised, that at the end 2012 was not bad, it was just difficult. If not a break with my ex, I could have called it the best year of my life. I had traveled in Spain quite a lot, I did Santiago way (Camino de Santiago, part of it), I believed that I can do it alone, there was a moment when I had 3 jobs at one time, I was in Rome for 2 weeks, few days in London, 1 week in Belgium, I participated in journalistic project and we did a very interesting investigation about the kids growing in homosexual families, I was accepted to Social Anthropology master which is funded by EU and I was given a possibility to go abroad to have my practice – I’m going to use this possibility on Friday already… If not the loss of my family and everything I’ve been creating last 3 years, I would have been the happiest girl in the world. But probably it’s true – you can’t have everyting.
- I became even more stable during December, understanding, that even if one day I feel bad, it doesn’t mean that I’m failing, it just means, that it’s normal. This is the rhythm of the life – two steps forward, one step back…
- I still don’t know who I’m reacting to my ex and what kind of relationship I want with him. If I want some. There was a moment I thought I don’t want to know anything about him, later it was another when I thought, well, it’s nice that we are still talking. I guess, I will see. In 16 days he is coming to visit me in San Sebastian, so I’ll check how I feel and what I will do later.
- I’m starting the year motivated to improve my life. To do what I haven’t done before and finally to have my best year which was taken away from me last year. And it happened just because of my fault. So this year I’m not letting anyone to take MY BEST year from me.
- I couldn’t drink alcohol in November, because I was feeling bad and sad afterwards. I didn’t drink a lot during December, because of this reason (don’t think that I’m some alcoholic :) ), but when I did, everything was ok. Probably I managed to work on my thoughts and emotions. On the other hand, sometimes I don’t wine to get sad. But it’s normal.
- I stopped being impatient. I think, I don’t have that feeling of waiting to get back together. I’m realising, that we aren’t together, and probably we won’t be, despite that everything was very good and nice between us. And this emptiness is appearing inside of me, but I’m not trying to fill it with the thoughts and dreams about him. I’m dreaming and planning other things, not related with him. Of course, to be honest, some dream/plans/decisions are not finally taken just in case I could reform them a bit…
- I didn’t celebrate neither Christmas, nor New Year, but it was my own decision. I even had one invitation to spend that night playing board games, but I refused. I just felt I wanted to stay at home with a book and my pijama. And I didn’t regret.
Well, I guess, really, the worse is already in the past. I’ve learnt, I’ve grown, I’ve changed. Now I have to keep myself like this and go forward.