February was my last month of 100 ways to self-motivation. It was very slow, I stopped daily posting, I left this control and let myself go again. But it’s me, it was strange that I kept myself controlled so long :) The result of this – I saw, that I’m capable to do it, I’m able to control myself and keep me focused on some things.
- I relaxed myself so much, that I left my practice a part and it seems, I was only enjoying San Sebastian and Basque country.
- I still haven’t learnt to organize my time, I’m sure, I’ve wasted a lot of it, instead of having used it way better.
- I’ve realised, that this “self-motivation” project didn’t help to forget the person who was “responsible” that I started it. My ex. Just on 15th of February he and our friends from Madrid came to visit me and I had a really tough time… It was very hard to hide my eyes and not to cry in front of others. I realised that no matter how much time has passed, no matter that I have started to like one guy from Bilbao, I still love my ex and I would change everything to be able to hug him again. So my learning to live without him and accept the absence of him, understand that he is not coming back and live with this fact, should go on… After 100 days of self-motivation, learning to change negative thoughts with positive, accept emotions, accept bad things which happen, I’m moving. Yesterday I cut the communication. I wrote him that I can’t pretend that we are friends when we aren’t, I said that I love him and I want him back and that I don’t want to know anything about him now. It was sad and painful when he just agreed with this, and didn’t fight for anything. I felt some kind of coldness… I can’t believe this, but probably it’s time to accept the fact – there is no love from his part… It has lost somewhere… Anyway, yesterday I was very sad, I took cappuccino in one of my favourites cafeterias in Donosti, went to buy some presents to Lithuania, some small things for me and later I was sitting in the harbour. I was thinking… Remembering what’s good in my life instead of getting back to the only one bad thing which happened in last seven months – break with him. There are a lot of good things in my life, such as my master, two months here, new people, more self-confidence, new friend from Bilbao, illusions for other scholarships and possibilities to live more in other countries…
- February was full of people, who let me see myself, get to know myself better. Maybe the biggest discovery is – my self-confidence. I don’t know if it came back, or I got it. But it doesn’t matter. I like this feeling. It’s like I’m raising up after long long time being down.