It’s been a long time… 2 years.
I’ve moved to Copenhagen and I’ve stayed there.
I moved my story and now it’s here
Come, and visit me. Let’s renew our virtual friendship!
It’s been a long time… 2 years.
I’ve moved to Copenhagen and I’ve stayed there.
I moved my story and now it’s here
Come, and visit me. Let’s renew our virtual friendship!
… because what else is life about if not sharing?
What else is life about if not rising and falling, but always keeping on moving?
What else is life about if not giving back what you’ve taken when you needed?
What’s the point of learning, travelling, experiencing if everything what we live and manage, stays in our memories, or, is being told during the dinner with friends while drinking 3rd bottel of wine?
I’ve been talking to one my friend about how failed we felt in our lives, compared with our classmates from journalism studies which we finished 5 years ago. Some of them has already travelled around the world, published a book, established a perspective company, others became TV News directors, or were awarded by many international magazines for their amazing pictures or short movies and front page of National Geography.
But at the same time we smiled, looked at each other and realized that everything we say, is not true. Right, we haven’t done the things others did, but neither did they do what we did. We lived in other countries, we learnt about them, we met people, we started masters which we’ll finish in couple of months. We travelled as well, we lived as well. BUT. We still haven’t given back what we were given. All the stories I have from my travels – are amazing, and they make me smile when I remember them, but what’s the point if I only tell them to random people I meet on my way?
This is how I started to think, that life is giving something to us, teaching something, but later we have to share learned lessons, we have to in-act them. Collect the experience and use it for higher purposes. For inspiring somebody to do what you’ve done, for teaching what you’ve learnt, for adapting new things in your old environment. This is the way the life could be changed.
It feels like, I’m reevaluaating my life and getting ready for something new.
I woke up yesterday morning and just had this terrible feeling, kind of sadness mixed with guilt, that I still don’t feel like writing my thesis. Although so little left – in two months I have already to present it. So if I concentrate better and work more on it, I could still start and finish it.
Then I took mental break. Went to the shop to buy some stuff I needed, took a bath, drunk my cup of coffee with milk and wonderful chocolate, sent 3 postcards, bought 3 books and… started to talk with one friend. Then I decided – it’s been a while I haven’t talked to him, so let it be that this day will be dedicated to him and tomorrow I’ll work on my thesis… How many tomorrow’s have I had? Everyday since the end of January… So many tomorrows…
And I woke up today… Early… To have a full day of work. But it’s Sunday. And sun is shining. And I’ve never enjoyed this, it’s like I’m always postponing sun and sunny days and take them for granted. So I grabbed my camera, sent a message to one girl and we met in the place of my city where I was used to go when I was little, but later I just forgot about it and never went back.
It was a great day. Full of conversation, sharing of experience, smiles, stories. I completely don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time. I know that if I had stayed at home, I would have wasted it on the Internet. And now I just had a rich sociable day. Maybe even started to feel more motivated.
And you know… I don’t feel stressed, I don’t feel bad that I’m still not doing this. I feel a bit dissapointed by myself, as everyday I’m promising myself to start doing things, and everyday I’m postponing it. On the other hand I’m just simply happy. I’m just enjoying these days of freedom. And sun. And possibility to be here and now.
But I’m also realizing that motivation is not some magic thing which is held by ones and not by others. It’s nothing we can take from the shelf and later put it back. It’s kind of a process. It’s something we create through the hard work in both: our minds and our behaviour. And it’s never finished, rather is always being processed. We create our aims and we’re trying to reach them. We build the walls and we break them. Our hands are full of power. Constructive and destructive. Both. It’s up to us which power we will use. It’s up to me which side will I take now. No excuses. And no regrets.
You have ants in your pants. My aunt was used to say. And my friend. Some of the people I know lately say that they’ve lost me in the map and have no idea where I am. I’m not sure it’s true. I’m always in the map. Somewhere. And I pay a huge price for that. For being that dynamic dot which is always moving.
Some people are afraid to lose me.
Some people don’t want to get used to me, because they think I’m gonna leave soon.
Some people don’t want to give me a job, ’cause they think I’ll leave anytime I decide. They don’t trust me when I say I can be stable. Can I?
I love some people, but I always have to say them bye. And I never know when I’ll see them again. But I see. Some of them. The dearest ones.
I can always go to see my friends and be sure that I’m gonna have a wonderful time.
Lots of thoughts, advantages and disadvantages… doubts. Is it good or bad?
And now… Since I’m finishing my master in couple of months… I’m asking again myself: what’s next?
I’m consciously not taking any jobs, any responsabilities, anything what could keep me in Lithuania, anything what would make my decision to leave harder. It’s like I’m cutting the ties which are left and preparing to go. Getting ready to part. This time with one way ticket to somewhere I don’t know what’s waiting for me.
My body is asking for a new page. For a challenge. For a possibility not to fail, but to fight. To create. Am I able to do this?
I don’t need extreme change once again. But I don’t want comfortable, easiest plan either. Denmark sounds like a plan. I have few friends there, have no idea about the language, love Copenhagen. If somebody was lucky, why shouldn’t I be?
I have no money, no job for the moment, nothing. Just an idea. And since today on I’ll try to work on this and see how my plan called Denmark works. I’ll keep you posted.
Wish me luck, give me advises, share your experience and encourage me. I don’t want this to become only a risky adventure – I want this to be a new start and a moment to grow. I need this. I’m ready for this.
And until then: If you never try, you’ll never know. Coldplay.
I know… It’s been a while… a long while since my last post… I’ve lived in San Sebastian, in Copenhagen, I’ve visited Norway, Denmark, Slovaquia, Hungary, Sweden during this time… I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve made friends, I’ve lost them, I kissed, I huged, I’ve been lonely, I’ve been happy. I’ve done a lot, and nothing at the same time… And now, the wish, the need for writing is coming back to me.
I guess, the concept of this blog will be different at some point… Or no. I don’t know. But I’m promising myself to get back on track. And write. About something. Something what is in my mind and needs to be written.
Here is the link: 30 things we MUST stop doing to ourselves. No comments needed. But how many times we’re repeating all of this?
To make the memories into ashes. To make it dissapear for having space for new lessons and experiences. Circle of life. Things come and go.
Last week my ex told me he has almost closed the door. He doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t describe the feeling I had. Huge deception and pain, it seemed like the sky was falling on me, but on the other hand… I felt like I was free again. Emotionally. Like realising, that I can’t wait anymore and I can’t lie to myself that he loves me and he’ll come back. I was feeding myself with this lie since he left, even though I always knew he won’t come back. And now there is a big hole inside of me, emptiness, but also some kind of happiness and faith, that probably everything will be ok. Maybe it was really not our way to make it together, if he didn’t find it worth to give us the possibility knowing how amazing we were. Some kind of relief is in my heart. And a little bit of sadness, but not the pain anymore.
… so, once we arrived to Berlin, my friend left on her way, and I took mine. It was a time for nice german holidays!
I contacted my host Henry, and went to his place. It took just a bit more than 5min. to understand the metro system of Berlin and after that I felt like at home.
My 4 days home was one room flat, with quite cozy kitchen, a lot of japanese spycies, and big windows. Henry has made me a launch – pasta with fish and salad… Isn’t it a nice feeling when you are somewhere and somebody you don’t know yet is preparing you launch while you’re taking first shower in 2 days?
As Henry was working, I didn’t want to disturb him, I went for a walk in the city. Actually, to be more precise, he gave me his old, crapy bike and I went on a ride with it. Half of the way I was thinking that I will break, another half – I was surprised how it didn’t brake. Anyway, it broke just next day.
I’m terribly bad with maps, I don’t understand, why if in map it’s shown that you should turn to the left, in real life you should turn to the right… The consequence of me, not having good relationship with them, is quite cleer – one hour of looking for one street which was supposed to take me to East Side Gallery. Anyway, I didn’t lose my hope and last guy, whom I asked where was that street, said that I should go just 4 km further and I’ll see it… Sonnellea, or something like this is still one of those streets which you remember with fear.
Anyway, after that 1 hour of riding everywhere, passing park, full of wheet smell, I found what I was looking for. The Wall. The paintings. The words for freedom. The sense of humour. The atmosphere. I was trying to imagine what did those people who paintend it, felt. What was their emotional state in that moment. What was the feeling to live in Berlin in 1989. I was 4 in that moment… What was the feeling to see people from the other side of the wall. What was the feeling to wake up next morning of August and realize, that you already live in another world… It should have been so amazing, emotional and interesting.
… evening eating hamburgers and drinking german beer went just fine. To be hosted by someone you don’t know is amazing experience. You never know what you’ll meet, where you’ll sleep, but probably for sure you’ll get some inspiring stories.
Berlin has something. Something special. It is not city like, for example, Rome, full of ancient stuff, ancient stories and histories. No, it’s the heart of the history of XX century. It’s the reminder of what was done and alert that it shouldn’t repeat. The history can’t repeat itself, but first of all we have to learn and to understand it.
This is what I liked the most of Berlin – being honest and not trying to avoid the responsability. Like, I guess, one president of Germany has said: we are not responsible for what has happened 50 years ago, but we are responsible for what will happen next. Just brave and wise nation could say this.
to be continued…
… I woke up at 7am that day and the first thought in my mind was: TODAY! Today I’m putting my backpack on my back, today I’m going on the road and nobody knows what will happen. Today I will learn to wait and see, that I never can be sure about anything, each moment is a surprise.
I guess, this is one of the most important points of travelling. During the travels I discover, that even the most obvious things can turn around and become the huge surprises having big influence to the life, or at least to the way of thinking.
So, That day, especially morning,was full of waiting and inpatience. I was turning around in my room, making my bag, taking the things off and putting them back again. Counting the passing moments until I have to put the bag on and go. And just before leaving my home, I saw on FB one job offer. If I had sent them my CV, they would have taken me. I have no doubts. Almost. But I didn’t. I decided, that if there was this job offer, it will be more, but now I need to go. Go to Germany, Spain, and later Denmark.
… we met on the road at 1pm. My friend was ready for a travel, and we both started to go until “good point” where we could start to hitch-hike. Our plan was to do this in two days, because one night seemed too perfect plan. In 10 min. first truck has stopped and the man behind the steering-wheel in polish told us that he goes to Poland. As it was our direction, we didn’t make any more questions. Later he discovered that he is going to some village which was on the way to Poznan, some 450km from Lithuania. In the other words, it was almost a half way of the trip with the first car!!!!
The sad part was that the driver was taking only in polish (and probably sometimes he thought that he does so in russian) , and we both were bad in both – russian and polish. Latter was worse. So, no normal conversation was established. Even though we managed to tell him that after Berlin we go to Spain and my friend to Portugal, he told us a bit of his job and helped to understand where we are. If not him, maybe instead of going to Poznan, we would have gone to Wroclaw, which was completely not good for Berlin…
After some 5-6 hours ride he left us on the way to Poznan, wished good luck and went back to his village to see his wife.
It didn’t pass another 20 min. when we were already sitting in one 23 years old guy’s car. He had very poor english, but he managed to offer us to smoke some wheet after some 5min since we entered the car. It took quite a lot of time to try to convince him that we prefer him not to smoke in the car unless he’s really good driving. But when he didn’t understand english, it was complicated.
After some 300km, which took us to Poznan, he offered us to sleep in some kind of place, called Hotel. He had a room for him and there was one for his workmate, but as he didn’t come, there was left one spare room. We looked at the dark sky (it was 10pm already), looked at the clouds full of rain and decided to take the offer. So, we spent a very comfortable night in Poznan, took a good rest and got ready for last 250km next day.
Next morning our wheet smoker took us on the highway and left back to Poznan. After it we took quite a lot of time to get some cars to Berlin, but it was a beautiful sunny day, so we didn’t lose the hope. One of the last drivers was, let”s say, german businessman, listening to Beatles in his car, drinking water and black coffee. And the last driver, 50 years german, who has a 27 years old son was a real german, how we could imagine them – strong and strict. When he stopped and we entered the car, he started to say something in german, and just because of some strange human logic we understood what he was saying. Anyway, we managed to have some mini conversation in this language. Since that day I’m thinking to put in my CV one more language – german.
Berlin met us full of sun and weird people. “The amount of weird people we see here in 5 min would be reached in one week in Lithuania” – said my friend. “And in Kaunas it would need even more time”, – joked I.
To be continued…
Here I am, alive and happy, in Spain already. I’m just waiting for my last bus to my destiny and just wanted to post some picture from the travel. In upcoming days I will start my travel stories.
The same emotion of moving out of the comfort zone. Bittersweet joy, little worries of how is it going to be this time, open heart for new experience and wish everything to be ok.
In few hours first time on my life I’m going to put my backpack (until now it was an orange bag or luggage) on my back and I’ll go on the road. There I’ll meet my classmate and we’ll stary our journey to Berlin…
Can’t wait to see Berlin. No, can’t wait to start the travel, to be on the road and see what happens. If I open my heart, I suppose, I will meet people with the same opened hearts.
On Sunday I should go to Bremen. I will visit my classmate from school, I haven’t seen him for 8 years… When I was 12, I was inlove with him Now he is married. He’s always been on of my best friends in school.
Next day it will be Dusseldorf, but just for a while, once I’m there, I should go to the airport and in early morning of next Tuesday I’m leaving to Santander. And in the afternoon finally I’ll reach my destiny – San Sebastian. Again this year. For another two months. Some easy, peaceful feeling in my heart.
And during this time I expect to firewell my past and let it go. When I do it, new winds will come.