Wow, I didn’t expect that the first step is going to be so psychologically strong and complicated. There is written in the book, that the getting on our deathbed is an exercise, where we had to imagine that there is very little left to our death. We have to imagine the feelings we would have and prepare to say goodbye to the people we love. These people should come to your bed one by one and you should tell them loud what you feel.
When I was living in Spain, I was feeling that I’m alone, and nobody cares about me, nobody realises my existence and there is no difference for them whether I’m there, or not. But while this exercise, I have quite a long list to whom I’d like to call and talk before dying. I felt that I had people who cared about me, just their way of showing it was different and not the one I expected.
If I were now in a deathbed, I would like to see some particular people from Vigo, my friends from organisation, to say thanks for them for having been with me, for having tought me some things and for having accepted me the way I was. I never had to pretend to be somebody else when being with them. I would say thanks for particular people who called me when I was bad, and let me know that I have them. I would apologize for myself, being so stupid and not valuating them.
Also I would call to the people in Madrid. I would explain them how I felt while I was living there and how I felt about them, that sometimes I had a feeling they don’t care about me. I would tell them that I was angry when everybody dissapeared when we broke with my ex. I would say them thanks for giving me all the hugs and cariño, for supporting me, for not being annoying, for loving me, for all the lunches/dinners we had in our place. I would tell them that I’m missing this a lot, and I would give a lot to get these things back. I would call them and ask to watch the last football match with me and explain me once again the “offside” rule.
I would call to the mother of my ex. I would give her a hug, and I would tell her how much I love her. I always appreciated her way of being, so I would say her thanks and I would ask her to try to trust herself more. I’ve learned a lot from her, and she has very big part in my heart.
I would call to the son of the bitch, my ex chief in Madrid, who fired me in the horrible way and whom I’d like to hate. I would tell him, that he shouldn’t forget the humanity, and I would forgive him. I am not blaming him for anything, even it would be a bit easier if I would 🙂
And… I would call to my ex. I don’t feel that there would be something particular to say to him before I die, because I feel like I always told him everything I wanted and considered necessary. I would just repeat again how big my love is and I would say sorry for having been so stupid before. I’d like him to know and to feel, how important he is in my life and how much I wanted to be with him and meet the sunset of our lives by holding each other hands.
I would even call my mother. I would thank her for having raised me a good person and I would say sorry for not being nice with her.
So strange, that some time ago I considered some people important in my life, but at this moment, imagining to whom I’d like to speak in my last minutes/hours/days, I don’t feel the need or wish to see these people. And opposite, some of above mentioned people were not forming a big part of my life (I thought so), but I wouldn’t like to pass away without having them told anything.
Quite long list, eh? It seems, it should be left more than 10 minutes to live 🙂
The author writes, that “In fact, being able to vividly imagine our last hours on our deathbed creates a paradoxical sensation: the feeling of being born all over again—the first step to fearless self-motivation. “
That’s the feeling I have – it’s like the old me has passed away and there is a new me appearing. I’m feeling like a small child, learning to walk, to discover his/herself and to trust. I don’t want to trust people now, I want to trust myself.
And today was a good day – even though I overslept the french exam, half of the day I spent in bed watching TV series and feeling comfortable with myself. I think, it’s a good start.
The valuation of the day: