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Fighting with myself

When you start to think about the vision of yourself, it is not so easy as it could look from the first glance. I start to ask whether something is important, or not anymore, what is more important – to be a good specialist or positive person with a right attitude. At the end, such things as be good at your job or whatever you’re doing, is important, but without other things, this wouldn’t work. So now, after today, the vision of me which I have, is different, not based on professional life. I think, it would be too big step, considering, that I fell down hard and now I’m recovering everything from the start.


On the other hand, sometimes I feel, that everything seems more complicated than is for sure. All the break up with my ex, I quite understand everything, but not exactly. But now it’s the past, I’m looking forward and god knows what the future and this 100 days plan will bring 🙂 I want one thing, but I’m not the only one here.

We, human, especially women, make things so difficult. It’s so funny for me when I think about the same thing from different positions and sometimes I choose that one, the more complicated. It’s like I didn’t want to live like a person and enjoy the life. The only one I have. It’s like a being buddhist (without any offence, I like this philosophy) – the more you suffer, the better person you are. Then just go, put the boiling water on yourself and repeat this hundreds of times during the day.

It was quite productive day  – I studied a little, I’m writing the second post to my blog,voted in the elections,  made objectives for next weeks. I couldn’t avoid some moments of despair this day, but somehow I handled it by thinking: “wait, wait, which step was today? What you had to do there? What are you doing in general now?” Sometimes the old me was coming and asking: “What the hell are you doing here? You know that you never believed in this kind of things and people, doing it, looked weird for you? Do you remember, that you were thinking, that this kind of things could be done just by different people, not by you?” But I sent my old me to the hell, and kept on doing what I was doing. That’s nothing now, I can imagine, that after one week, it’s going to be even harder. I’m getting ready for this.

I should evaluate my day. Let’s say, I could give 100 points in total. For every desperate/sad/negative thought or feeling I am going to takeoff 10 points. As much as I remember until now, there were maybe 3 or 4 moments today. Let’s say, 4, to make me try even harder.

So, that means, that the mark of the day is 60/100.

And tomorrow – a new day, visiting my psychologist, telling her my stories, new plan, driving class, and, maybe new zumba classes. Something to be waiting for.

P.S. I’ve created an email, FB page and twitter, if somebody wants to give a feedback, make some critics, or share some thoughts, stories. I was even thinking, that some of them could even be published, if there would be a need for it. Just an idea. I feel how I’m getting into this. 



2 thoughts on “Fighting with myself

  1. glad to have come across this post. really enjoyed it.
    I love your approach of evaluating your day and assigning points to thoughts. Will try it out myself too.
    “If you want to be happy-be” reminds me of the teaching of Tao.
    Great post!

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