When you feel sad or without motivation, what do you do?
Couple of months ago one my friend, after having realized that I’m passing through tough time, told me: “If you feel like you want to be in this emotion now – be, just don’t do this TOO much. You are enough clever to feel when the limit comes.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about these words, how much sense they had. I was afraid, that I will fall and won’t stand up, ’cause everything seemed so black around me. Although, somehow I managed to see the beauty of this autumn, even through my tears. There were some moments when I felt, that it’s time to stop being in that emotion and time to stand up. But these moments were just those waves which rise you up and bring you down even harder and more painfully.
I stopped my volunteering, refused a job offer, hardly went on with studies and driving classes. I hardly remember this time, even though it was couple of weeks ago, but it seems, that it is very far away in the past. So far away… and I’m so glad these moments have passed… I can’t believe, that I started 2012 with completely different situation in my life and with completely different hopes. You never know where this crazy guy, called “life”, could bring you. Sometimes I really want to slap him into his face.
Last week I was in Madrid. Had some things to do. I didn’t achieve them. Well, actually, partly I did. I consolidated the inner peace which I had founded before and I met the feeling that “Finally I have done everything to fix the situation. If my efforts were not accepted or they weren’t enough, I can’t do more, because what I’d do more, it would be just annoyance and crossing the lines“. I left the country I’d like to live, the person I’d like to be with stayed there without me, and me and my hurting heart came back home (even I can’t call this place home). And the peace came back with me. It was like waking up after the horrible nightmare and asking for good emotions. I had the need for a joy. I’ve been missing this word for so long. And it hasn’t arrive yet, but I opened the door for it, and can’t wait for the joy to come.
Probably it happened the thing what my friend told – don’t stay TOO much in that feeling. I started to feel like the life is passing without me, the autumn I missed is going to convert into a cold winter, so it’s time to change the attitude and instead of seeing half empty glass, start to see the half full one. It’s amazing, what the choice to feel good can do with people. I wish I had known this before 🙂
I remembered what made me feel good during this summer, when I started my recovery. It has convinced me one more time, that the things I’ve discovered during the summer, were real and I didn’t lie to myself. And I’m using the same things now.
I don’t know if I have started to feel the joy or happiness, because I still have that empty hole inside of me. But I’m so glad, that I am keeping myself in my hands, when I lose the motivation or become sad, in no moment I start to think about positive things, instead of falling down to the negative emotions again.
What does make me feel happy, or at least motivated? The things I like to do:
– Reading. Even though since september I’m not reading anything, just studies stuff. I’m planning to get back to the literature, I have a long list to follow.
– Learning languages. This is the reason I’m studying french. I don’t think someday I will be using this language fluently like English or Spanish, but at least I’ll have the basic knowledge.
– Active leisure. I can’t stop thinking on starting ZUMBA classes. I need some physical activities.
– Writing. I’m enjoying posting in the blog, it makes me keep on thinking, looking for some ideas.
– Cooking. Even my mental state still hasn’t arrived to the moment of me, spending more than 3 min. in the kitchen.
– Movies. Just know I’m downloading “Knockin’ on the heavens door” – I’ve seen this movie maybe 8 times, but it doesn’t bore me.
Probably all these thoughts are so obvious, and well understood, and I knew them before. I would pay a million dollars to somebody who could explain me WHY I haven’t used them before and waited until I lose everything.