I knew this day will come. I knew it´s going to be soon. I knew I will start to look for the meaning of what I am doing now and start to think, that everything is useless, and quite stupid. This popular unprofessional psychology, which is based on convincing yourself, lying to yourself starts to seem useless. All the things are so well known, that I’m starting to lose the wish to talk about them. I know, I know, that my brain is talking now, not my heart, because all these days I’m controlling myself so good, I’m so calm inside, I’m even starting to have some plans and wishes. I have to push myself, don’t let myself be taken by inertia, ’cause if so – I would stop. Any moment I start to feel desperate or sad, I find the way to stop doing it and concentrate myself. Just to control my thoughts is getting more and more complicated.
I suppose, as I’ve mentioned before, there is no magic here, it’s just big work with one’s self. That means that there will sometimes be falls and rises. That just makes me a human being – sometimes I get tired and sad. The good thing is, that this feeling is already different from the one which was even few weeks ago – I can control this feeling and let it stay for as long as I want.
During these days when I see how much strength I can keep inside of me, my wish to be with the person I love, increases and the understanding why should we be apart, decreases. It’s been almost 5 months already since I felt that I was wrong having doubts and thinking what is more important what would others would think or my new family which loved me and I loved it. It’s been almost 5 months since I realised that the person I found and fell in love with, is the person I want to have kids with. And it’s been almost 2 months since we broke, without being given any possibility to show how everything was different. I want to hate him, but I’m trying to understand him. I want to be angry on him, but I’m trying to justify him. It’s getting harder, when I’m starting to see, that the problems I had were not so big, as it could have been a reason to split. I’m still keeping my path – it was necessary to leave Spain for a while. But just for a while. Until reaching the objectives. What I did.
Ok, short moment of weakness, little view back to the past.. and it’s enough. Anything I’d say, wouldn’t make even a tiny change.
I decided not to make a 4th step today – just to assure that the 3 ones before were learned and understood. I’m not in a hurry, I don’t have a deadline, my objective is to recover myself and be good with myself. After these three steps, I can say, that I’m doing great. Really, I keep my mind clear, I control my thoughts, I start to think positive, or at least not to give up to despair. What I do, is not for that person – it’s for me. Even though, I can’t deny and lie that I don’t want to start with him again. For the much I am trusting myself now and for the much I’m having myself, I miss one part in my life – the possibility to share. I don’t have the fullness in my life. Love and happiness for me – is the possibility to share your joy with other. Is to wait for your beloved person after the job with a nice dinner, or just smile. It’s lazy saturday/sunday mornings together, when you wake up look to each other and say: “Good morning!” Is knowing that you have somebody to hug, and touch, to laugh with. I don’t want him to make me happy. I want to share my happiness with him.
Ok, enough sentimental parts 🙂 The good thing is that I had it and I know what does it mean to have somebody to love.
The total evaluation would be…
Just to have where to evolve more. 🙂