… there was a little joy in my heart today. First time after almost two months. This tiny, fragile joy… Actually, it has been quite strange day today. I woke up early in the morning to study, but I ended up with a little morning walk in the city center. The upcoming morning was too beautiful to spend it sitting at home and putting the last drops on last night’s studies.
So, I dressed up, took a bus and went for a walk. It was freezing. But so beautiful. First moments were sad – I was thinking about the person I love, about the different views we have. I was thinking about the nonsense of this situation – we are apart (and last night I realised that it’s forever), but we both want to be happy. And instead of being so, the decision to be unhappy is made. I was thinking, how close we were and how great we managed to live together, how much we loved each other and how there were no problems in our daily life. The people are so strange. Trying to explain love and feelings in terms of science… It’s hard to believe, that after all the time we had together, the decision to split was made like this – taking beer in Brussels and saying – “the only way is to break…” It has passed the time, and now I’m feeling completely different, but still I can’t understand HOW it could happen, that there was a big love, commitments and now everything is gone. Forever, probably. Hard to believe so. I really felt us like a family and I thought, we will behave like this. But, life goes on, it happened what it happened, I’m moving on.
It has passed just one week and one day since I came back from Madrid, when it was the last time I saw him. It feels like it’s been at least few months. I’m not asking myself whether he loves me. If somebody would, probably I’d say that no, or I’m not sure anymore. I was sure about this sometime ago, but not now anymore.
Sometimes I’m jealous for him to be so logical and to understand the happiness the way he understands. I know, that I will recover, I know, that the joy will come back, I know that tomorrow I will think different than today, but I also know that my happiness will have some limit. I even know, that I’m amazing girlfriend. (Not exaggerating, if somebody has doubts, call me, you’ll see :))
I can recover myself, I can find the inner peace, but I can’t make a harmony inside without love, without a possibility to share. I can’t be 100% happy not having a family, my people and my best (there should be the word we used to call each other)… And it’s not because my feelings or self-esteem depend on him, it’s more because of my way to understand the happiness and human beings. I understand a human like a social creature, so for me it’s normal the wish to have somebody to be with. Not to depend on, not to rely on, not to help you to find your happiness, but to be near when you want to hug and love. HE was the person I was seeking since I was a little girl.
But, talking about the joy and falling leaves… It’s an amazing autumn right here. Today was so sunny morning, the sunbeams were appearing through the trees, the leaves were falling on the ground, and the old city was still sleeping. There were some people passing by, students hurrying to their universities, businessmen taking coffee and having small chats, couples kissing each other. And me. Crossing their ways, listening one russian song “That’s all what stays after me…” Life is not sugar, and the death is not tea…
I didn’t even notice when the sadness has passed away and again I felt calm, and back into my life. I was even smiling inside. I entered some book store, took a look what do they have, remembered, that I don’t have any time for literature, or new books, because I still have something to read.
I forgot everything and watched the trees. My amazing morning walk finished with a cup of almond latte and my course mate’s call. It’s so nice to get a phone call at 9 a.m. 🙂 Later I entered the class and with a joy in my face said “Good morning” to the girl who was sitting there. It’s been so long time ago I haven’t done this!!!
This tiny friday joy reminded me that I’m still alive. Or maybe that I’m already alive? Again? It reminded me, that to be in peace with yourself is your personal decision. It’s a big responsibility. Am I already ready to take it?