Last night i thought, I would be nice to see myself from outside, to talk with me and to ask me something laudly. The result of this – the “interview” with myself. Let’s see how it works 🙂
– What are you doing now?
Actually, I don’t know, it seems, I’m playing a role game. I think, I am a journalist, talking with some dumb celebrity about nothing. On the other hand, I feel like a big start talking with some non-professional journalist. Let’s see what happens, it’s getting interesting.
– Tell me about yourself – who are you and what are you doing in your life?
To tell in simple words, I’m an european girl, living in Lithuania, having bachelor degree in communication science (specialization journalism) and now studying the master of social anthropology. A part of my studies, I’m volunteering in youth information and consultation center. We started just few weeks ago, so at this moment we are working on attracting people and start to consult them about the job possibilities in Lithuania and abroad, and other important questions. I’m gonna be responsible for public relationships.
When I’m not studying or volunteering, I’m trying to enjoy this autumn which I haven’t seen last 3 years, and meet my joy somewhere where our ways will cross.
I feel like a newly born, so I can’t talk a lot about what I am doing. Mostly I’m learning to live.
I’m also the author of this blog at this moment interviewing myself, trying to find out the inner “me” and recover the joy of life.
– How could you describe yourself when you were a kid?
My god, I was a crazy kid!!! There were no trees around my living area which I haven’t climbed, there were no stone which I haven’t kissed when falling, there were no boy I haven’t felt in love with. Almost. I was a nightmare for my teachers, because apart that I was very active and couldn’t stay calm for a long time, I was disturbing to others, and teachers never could shut me. Sometimes they were punishing me with putting me to sit with the boys. According to them, when a girl sits with a boy, they talk less. WHAT A MISTAKE!!! I always had more common topics with boys, than with girls. So, at the end, their punishments were my presents.
I was persisting kid – I had my objectives and I was reaching them. My music school taught me this. I was a clever kid, I had to grow up earlier for some complicated situation in my family. So quite early I started to think about the life I’d like to have, about love and relationships between people. I was a dreamer, everybody was calling me naive for believing in love and freedom in the relationships. When I look from the presence perspective, I see that I was right in believing in freedom in the relationships. I’m not sure anymore if I should have believed in love. I’m just kidding, my today’s situation makes me have doubts, but I know, that it’s good to believe in love.
– How have you changed since your childhood?
I stopped dreaming. It happened the thing I was afraid the most – I became an adult and I forgot what does it mean to be a kid.
I became weaker. It’s so ironic that I feel like I was stronger when I was little. I knew how to stay calm and strong, and not to show my pain to others. I was so weak last months, I was seeking for support in anyone, even not well known people. Now it’s already different, I see how I’m managing the conversations with people and avoiding any details which could show my situation and pain. But until now I was weaker. I don’t know why, maybe because there was a moment in my life when I felt that finally I have someone to trust and to be 100% myself. I’m not sure anymore if we should give all ourselves to others.
I think, I haven’t stop being surprised. Maybe I’m not questioning so much like kids anymore, but I still have this sense of joy when I wake up in the morning, look through the window and see beautiful upcoming day. Little things still make me happy – message from a friend, sun, snow, rain, falling leaves…
And I’m still honest like a kid. I get burn, I get hurted, I recover and I’m again like this. I don’t know how to lie and how to manipulate others.
But, as I have said earlier, I stopped dreaming, I forgot how to go to the aim without any exceptions to myself. I was not prepared to the real life and I had strange ideas of it. Now I’m changing them.
– Who are you now?
I’m a baby kid now, starting everything from the tabula rasa. I”m a person who has lost everything she has been creating last 3 years and thought that it was real and true. I am the one who is discovering now what was wrong with me all the time and how can I change it. I am a student of life, learning how to make me happy and feel the joy of being. Not only learning, but everyday adapting my new knowledge – today less than tomorrow but more than yesterday.
– What are 5 things you like the most?
Buff… Hard question… First of all, I love hugs and kisses. The tenderness, in general. I could spend all day be hugged, and not to do anything else.
– Spend some sunday or saturday morning/afternoon with friends taking something, laughing, talking or playing board games.
– Active leisure, walkings in the park, smiles, travel, hiking.
– Inner peace when you feel good with what you are doing and you wouldn’t like to do anything else or different.
– Love, love and one more time love. Love hurts, it drives me crazy, it makes me hate all the world sometimes, but at the end I’m coming back to the same – it worths to love and to be loved.
– What are 5 things which you hate?
– Disrespect. Sometimes I feel like I could forgive a lot, but not the disrespect. I understand it as lying to somebody, betraying someone, humiliating someone, behaving disrespectfully in front of others, not appreciating, offending, etc.
– I hate when people don’t talk and go away with a lot of words in their hearts, but closed lips. Few weeks ago we watched a movie about Germany in Soviet times, and how there was a group of writers and they were writing some protesting play. There was one KGB agent which was listening to their conversations and he knew everything what was going on, but he didn’t tell this to his chiefs. At the end of the movie, after some events, the writer discovered this guy and wanted to tell him thanks. He found where he works, went there, but at the end, didn’t go and didn’t tell him anything. After couple of years he wrote a book and dedicated it to the KGB guy. It’s good, very dramatic, and I can understand the decision of this guy like a writer. But for me the human contact is more important. What if that KGB guy would have died during these 2 years and he wouldn’t even knew that somebody appreciated him? I’m so sure, that we should tell people what we think, we should listen to our hearts and do what they say. The human contact is so important, especially now, in digital age. Maybe I could mention to the same, that I hate when people say the things to consider necessary in particular situation, even though they’d like to tell what their hearts are saying. But it’s probably because I’m a heart person.
– I hate stubborn, narrow-minded people. It’s not hating, it’s not liking. I think, we should be listening to each other and not to consider our truth like the only one in the world. There are many truths in the world, and if we listen to them, maybe we could find something for us. Our way is not the best one, like others way is not the worst.
– I don’t like rumors. It’s so stupid and useless!!!
– I don’t like when somebody expects others to be responsible for his/her well-being and happiness. I don’t like when somebody blames others for his/her failures or bad moments.
– What are the things you’d like to learn?
If it’s from the science, more and more I’m into cognitive science. Last day I was reading about “self concepts” and I was so into it!!! I felt some passion my heart – very long time ago seen feeling it. So I’m thinking to feed me with this – if I feel the passion, maybe it is the thing which I could like.
Also I’d like to learn to be less spontaneous and more patient. I understand that the things don’t come at the moment, the process and time is needed, but what I lack, is to have this feeling in my heart. I think, I am becoming more patient day by day, but still I need to improve.
I need to learn not to give all myself to the people, and to keep some part for me. I don’t want to give all 100% of me any more to anyone.
I’d like to learn to sweat in peace, and simplify my life. I’d like to learn to control my happiness. I guess, I’m on the way. On the good way.
– Which are the things without which you don’t imagine yourself?
I can’t imagine myself without my sense of humour and irony. I think, this is what helps me to keep some positive thoughts in my mind. It’s not like always I’m joking or being ironic, but in this way I can measure my well-being. If I start to feel the need of making jokes, it means, I’m getting better. Or when I was learning spanish, and when I was able to make my first joke in spanish, I realized, that I’ve reached quite good level of this language.
I don’t imagine myself without making some crazy/stupid/great plans. It doesn’t mean they all work out, it doesn’t even mean that I’m working on realizing them, it’s more to keep me thinking and motivated. That’s why I wasn’t me this september – no joking, no crazy plans, nothing.
I don’t imagine myself without sincery BEING with people, giving them the best I have.
– Who is your best friend?
I’m trying to make me my best friend. My ex was my best friend, maybe someday he will be again, but at this moment he is not even my friend. I still haven’t worked out who is he for me.
I think, the best mine achievement would be if I’d become my best friend. Normally I trust myself the most, so I could be fully responsible for what’s happening in my life.