So, as last night I learned the 10th step of my 100 days adventure towards self-motivation, it’s time to slow down for a second and take a short look what has been done, how did it go and what’s going to be now.
First of all, I’ve been posting everyday. It came naturally, I was not pushing myself. Maybe in the start I had to look for the topics, and press me a bit, but lately it became like my responsability, some kind of habit. I could argue how am I writing, and maybe I should try to do it better, but at this moment what I need, is to create myself and rediscover the things I had forgotten.
My self estate last weeks has been quite good indeed. There were some weak moments, there were some moments of tears, but I stopped them as soon as they started. One night I let myself go, I let myself feel the sadness, but it was very little. Actually, I think, I don’t have the inner pain anymore. What I have now, is sadness and thought of having committed a mistake. On the other hand, since I’ve made some steps about trying to look unexpectedly to the same situations or change the point of view, I’m discovering, that there is no point to be sad for anything. Life is so, and it would be stupid to strike against it. You accept, or you don’t. If you accept, you move forward, if don’t – you stay sad until the end. Easy. 🙂 To be sad and blame something for something, doesn’t take us anywhere, and our life time is passing without us. I have asked me – if it is really what I want. The answer was no.
Anyway, yes, I’m still sad, because nothing has changed in my heart – I still have feelings for that guy with whom I’ve spent three the most amazing years in my life. What happened good, is that this feeling of sadness is not on top of my heart anymore how it was in the start. Now I know it exists, but it’s somewhere deeper and I can have a normal daily life with it. It doesn’t disturb me anymore as it was even three weeks ago.
I remember, when I started this blog, I thought, that after 100 days, I’ll send him this link, showing, what has been happening in my life during these three months and how able I am to fight for what is important for me. But now I’m doubting, because it’s me who is learning and becoming better, I’m not doing this for him anymore, I’m doing this for me. The more I do, the more I see that it was a good decision to start. I still think that this kind of popular psychology, 100 ways of changing your life is quite weird thing, but as I’ve been lost in mylife and in myself, I needed something like this. As I’ve mentioned many times before, I’m just rediscovering the things which some of them I knew before and seeing them in different light.
I quess, the rhythm of 1 step a day is quite intensive. Anyway, it doesn’t mean I’m learning and adapting it everyday. I keep in mind everything I read/write/reflect, and use it in a particular moment. I know, I should work on this more and adapt more things to practice, not to leave them in theory, ’cause later it can happen the same what was before – temporal recovery and later big fall down. It’s not what I want and not what I’m trying to do.
As I’m changing myself, I realise, how my environment is changing. I’m not doing anything artificial, or even anything special, to communicate with people, as I’m good by my own, but lately I’m on skype all day with my coursemate with whom we study together, make some jokes or just share some videos, movies, thoughts. At the university also, my other coursemate keeps a lot our contact. And some time ago that would have made me happy, and I would have thought, that this period of recuperation is over and I would have stopped. Now I’m glad that everything is going well, but I don’t let it go, I know I have to work more. The important thing is that I feel, that my well being doesn’t depend on the people anymore. The feeling good doesn’t depend on how many people call me during the day, as it was before. And yesterday I was the one who showed iniciative to see people. And I did it because I wanted, not because I didn’t want to feel lonely.
It’s been two weeks when I’m awakening at 6.30 am, and doing some reading for studies. It’s still hard to motivate me to go on with french classes, because I really don’t like the way they go. So I have to push me a lot, and I’m not dedicating time to study it at home. Today I’ll miss one more class. Also, I haven’t started to look for a job. As we are writing one project to create a job place for us, but anyway, I should do it. Or I should work more on my translations. These 2 months I made maybe 30 in total. Well, next week I’m gonna have easier schedule, so I will come back to it.
It’s been two weeks I’m not studying driving theory, and it’s bad. I’m a little mess lately, ’cause I’m having middle term exams in the university, so most of the time I’m reading and studying. On the other hand, I should learn to use my time better. It’s still hard thing for me 🙂 When my middle term evaluation is over, I’m gonna have some quality time with myself, because last weeks I’m running like crazy without any moment to stop. I’ll take a bottle of white wine, or just a good book or movie and dissapear from the academic year. I wish I could travel somewhere, but not now. Besides, I have my tickets to Barcelona for next week, but it’s obvious, that I won’t use them. This time.
So, let’s see, the evaluation of the sense of motivation and self-control… hm…
The feeling of happiness
There is still long way to go. But the start is made.
So, for next weeks I should keep on:
– learning to organize my time better
– learning patience
– Creating myself
– Using upside-down view 🙂
And yesterday my coursemates asked me what did it happen in my life and I changed my look. (Two days ago I cut my hair and changed a colour). They thought I was inlove :)))))