“Some of us may think we’re too depressed right now to start on a new
course of personal motivation. Or we’re too angry. Or we’re too upset
about certain problems.
<…> Once we get the picture of who we want to be, “definitely planned
work” is the next step on the path. Definitely planned work inspires the
energy of purpose. Without it, we suffer from a weird kind of intention
deficit disorder. We’re short on intention. We don’t know where we’re
going or what we’re up to.” – S.Chandler.
He’s so right. It’s like when we go shopping, we run like crazy, we get lost, if we know that we need something, but we don’t know what. I’ve been living like this for so long! It’s so hard to keep on realising every day the wrong things I’ve been doing up till now and to see the unchangeable consequencies. Logically thinking, I am accepting everything and I understand how everything works, but sometimes I get so dessesperated, and I can’t forgive me for having been so stupid. Even if I haven’t done this on purpose. I have to admit, I was completely happy living in Spain, even having some kind of problems, but the most things I suffered, were not real. And I am not happy being here and now. I’m learning to live here, and accept it, because there is no other option, but I am not going to lie, this is not happiness.
Last few weeks I was really planning my jobs, I was making everyday lists, what should be done, etc. I have prepared even weekly schedule, but this week it didn’t work, as I had to study a lot. Even though, I am waking up at 6.30 am and start to do my stuff. Since next week, apart of studying, I will be translating also, I’ll do it more. Until now, I don’t feel more motivated when I have my job planned, but at least I push myself and I see my doing things. It’s a good thing to see the result.
The good thing of planning is the posibility to reflect on the things and be critical whether one or other thing is really necessary. I should do it more, because now my planning is more – what should I do today style. Sometimes I leave behind some important things. I know that apart of studying,and working, I should be working on myself, on my personal growth, but normally I don’t put it like the most important thing. It’s a mistake. I shouldn’t be doing this. I feel guilty, when I know how many my abilities are not being used. For example, I know two foreign languages, but I’m not using them during my day if I don’t have to study or to work. I keep these things in my mind and I know that they should be changed, but I’m still waiting for something. So now I’m promising myself to be hard on me, and work not only on my recovery, but also on my personal, spiritual growth. Maybe in this way I could reach the recovery faster. I just need to remember my vision of me and go towards it. Nothing but me stops it become truth everything I want.
“It is impossible to work with a definite sense of purpose and be
depressed at the same time. Carefully planned work will motivate you
to do more and worry less.” – S.Chandler.