Home » Evaluations and results » Looking for swallow of joy

Looking for swallow of joy


It’s so ironic to be writing this, after the post about using the brain chemicals.

But it’s the way I feel.

I’m tired.

Exhausted.

I’m confused.

Lost.

Unhappy.

Angry.

Everything is meaningless.

I’m exhausted to motivate myself everyday, every second.

I’m exhausted to think about my ex every f***ing moment and remember how much I love him and how great everything was. I’m deathly tired of controling myself of thoughts that some day he’ll find another and he’ll forget me at all.

I’m exhausted of fighting with myself and attempts to stop thinking about him.

I’m exhausted of thinking, that I’ve lost him and that he will not be the father of my kids. I’m so tired of convincing me, that it is one period in life, and that it happens, and the best things are in the future.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of everyday looking for happy songs, happy moments, positive thoughts, controling my mind, trying to understand me, controling my memories and concentrating me to the future. I just want normal, calm, simple life. i don’t have my life here, I don’t even want to be where I want, so how can I be happy?

I just want to relax. Just to get a swallow of joy. The real one, not the sad joy. Grey joy. I just want to share my love.

I know, what I’m doing. I know that this feeling is the part of my recovery, and I even know that I’m making a progress. I just don’t want to lie neither to myself nor to others, that this path is easy and once I’ve started, everything is going well.

No. It is not. This path doesn’t decrease my love for my ex. I don’t start to miss him less. I don’t start to want to be with him less, or hate him more. My mind gets clearer, yes, I start to look at the things from other angle, and… and it increases my wish to be with him. I have to concentrate myself and prepare – the Christmas is coming, it’s going to be the saddest time. This period of the year already asociates me with his house, his blue room, his family, sea food, visiting friends, and making plans of upcoming year… Making plans… How stupid is to do that…

I must handle it and not to fall apart. I’ve almost done 1/5 of my 100 steps to self-motivation and must go on. I must be patient. I know, that it will come a day when I wake up in the morning and my first thought will be – oh, it’s raining outside!!! and not “In Spain now is 5am, he is still sleeping…” oh, I’m waiting for this day so much…

Strange feeling. Yesterday I met one guy, we were going to take some beer and later I was supposed to get back home and study. It was 6pm we met. It was 2.30 am he picked me up home. It was so calm evening, talking about literature, school times, depression, coins…

It was very calm feeling inside, some peace. Spending nice time with somebody. And no appearance of feelings, sympathies, or something else. Just nice time. Nothing else. I like it.

This is the optimistic end of my sad today’s feeling. There is a well in every desert and I know that I’ll find it. I know it. I believe it.

And sometimes I have a right to let myself feel. Especially now, when I’m controling myself and I’m not falling a part. It was just a moment of weakness.

 

 

 

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