To be honest, I haven’t felt how these 30 days have past. To be more honest, I didn’t believe I’ll reach 30 days. I must have been very… very… very bad to have started this and to have reached so many days of almost every day writing. I have passed just 3 days, and I have an explanation for each of them. If I go on like this, at the end of January, I’ll have done 100 steps to self-motivation and I should be the most motivated person in the world 🙂 Joking.
So, how have I been doing these weeks?
I guess, I need little evaluation, or, better said, some reflextion to see where could I improve and what was done good.
- As in my previous, step 30 post, I was talking about rituals, I think, writing this blog is kind of ritual for me. It’s like stopping by everyday and spending some time with me, even sometimes I don’t feel like this. I started this blog, ’cause I needed some therapy for me, I needed some responsibility and everyday activity. So it became like this. At the moment writing for the blog is inside of me, and everyday, when I’m planning my time, I don’t forget to count on at least one little post. And later I’m trying to remember what I’ve read in the book, what I wrote and how could I integrate it to my life. I’m really proud of myself that I’m still here!
- I became more conscious about me and my life. Lately I feel like there is me and another me. It’s like I am acting, but at the same time I’m observing how I am acting. I’m trying to understand all the motives of my decisions and evaluate whether they are good, or no. I’m trying to have more reflective reactions to the facts than intuitive ones.
- When discovering the wrong things in the past, I was used to blame me and think, how stupid I was doing this, and regreting everything. One day my psychologist told me: “It’s ok that you realize the things, it’s great. But now just stop getting back to the past and adapt what you understood to your present.” It’s so true. I was regreting everything I did wrong in my previous relationships, all the doubts and fears I had, how immature I was. So, even I was realising it, it didn’t bring me anything, ’cause after all realisations, I was starting to cry and regret. After I heard that sentence, I changed my behaviour. It’s so fucking true! And even though, I’m still thinking about my ex, now I’m thinking more not how poor I am for having been stupid and lost him, but how poor is him for having lost me voluntarily. I really hope, that what he has now, compensates him what he has lost.
- Talking about my ex, last weeks I’ve been fighting with me and having a new feeling – anger. I was angry at him. It’s normal process of recuperation after the break, so I’m not scared, or I don’t feel guilty that I have this negative feeling for the person I used to be with. I was so angry at him for some reasons, that sometimes I couldn’t even stay calm because of these thoughts. One night I started to write him a letter and to explain him this. But after I wrote few lines, I asked myself what would be the use of it? Would it change anything? I knew that no. So there was no point to send it. I thought, that I should try not to send it, at least few days, and later see, if the wish passes. I realised that it should be the limit somewhere of my letters and that he also has the right to recover. So I didn’t send that letter until now. I’m getting back from time to time to it, I’m putting something more, editing something and I will send it next month. Like cleaning myself before Christmas and wishing him Happy New year.
- I’m not angry on him anymore, I guess. I was thinking, analysing so much, my friend said that I’m digging too much. But after I do it and find reasons, I feel better. Calmer. So, after I have understood somethings, I understood him better and I stopped being angry. Probably now it should start the process of forgiveness and acceptance.
- I think, that sometimes we don’t let the past go only because we are afraid of the emptiness which would come after it. I know, that when I will stop thinking of him, I won’t have anything to think about. But it’s not true. It’s a fact, that when one door closes, it opens another. I’m not at the moment when I want new door to open, I’m good as I am, I just need to let him go. And, I guess, it’s happening little by little.
- On the other hand, I’m asking myself, and maybe somebody could answer me. As we broke like grown ups, we still have some kind of communication. Very strange one. I’m asking myself, why he still has a need to communicate with me every once a week? It seems so often to me. He starts the conversation… So strange 🙂 But until this doesn’t disturb me, I accept this way of communication.
- That thing about the doors I remembered this week, although I have known it for ages. One of these days I was talking to my friend and she said that one her friend likes me. I know him, I’m in touch with him from time to time. It was so strange, ’cause last 5 years of my life I was having one or another kind of long-term relationships, so I forgot how should I behave when somebody likes me 🙂 I felt like a teenager again, not like a grown up…
- The best thing of this “personal therapy” is that I’m remembering the things I have forgoten for so long time and I can get back to them. I don’t care anymore if it is happiness what I feel, or just a joy, or any other positive feeling. It’s not so important anymore. The most important is that I do have these feelings and that I’m enjoying my daily life. I don’t wake up in the morning, thinking “oh no, I should pass one more day of my life”. If I wake up and don’t smile in the heart, it’s just because it’s still early morning and it’s very dark and cold outside.
- There is still a lot of path to be done, not even the half is made. Even talking about my ex. It’s not that I forgot everything, no. I’m still feeling strange when we talk and when he tells his future plans – it’s hard to realize that there is no place for me in his plans. I haven’t seen his photo since I was in Madrid (the 11th of October), I’m forgetting his face. I’m still thinking a lot about him, imagining our conversations, how different I would behave now if we were together. But these thoughts don’t make me unhappy anymore, I don’t feel horrible or I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m moving on, and I’m proud of me, that I’m moving on being in the place where I don’t want to be, almost not having anyone to talk to honestly, living with my mother with whom we don’t have good and open relationships. My environment is not the best for recovery after this lose, but I’m doing it. And only for this I deserve an award! 🙂 I’ll think about the form of award later.
- Step 30. Perform your little rituals (minechoice.wordpress.com)