… sometimes it seems so hard to leave the past behind, because we stay in emptiness. Sometimes it seems, like getting back to the past and living there, helps to change the present or even make an impact to the future. Sometimes it seems, if I leave my past behind, it means that I accept everything and I give up. I feel like I’m not fighting if I stop getting back there.
When I dig deeper, I find out, that it’s a mistake to think like this. Not letting the past go is like carrying the old luggage which is not necesarry anymore, just weights a lot, makes troubles of moving further, but doesn’t help in any case. Leaving it would cause some troubles in first moments – it would feel strange to walk without it, there would be some feeling of emptiness, fear and insecurity. But step after step when getting used to walk without it, the feeling of freedom would arrive.
“Practice being awake in the present moment. Make the most of your
awareness of this hour. Don’t live in the past (unless you want guilt) or
worry about the future (unless you want fear), but stay focused on
today (in case you want happiness).”
I’ve always been past-oriented person. I was focused on my past, on what’s happened and how did it influence my life. I never thought about leaving my past and looking forward, and moving on. It was like easier way – to feel sorry for myself and to put an excuse, that TODAY I’m not happy because YESTERDAY it happened something bad.
I don’t know where did it come from. Maybe from my country – I was raised by the mother who grew up in Soviet Union, where it was quite a difficult time. I was born in Soviet Union, and I was 5 years old when it fell. I don’t know where it comes from, but I don’t care anymore – I have localised the problem and I’m working on it.
Human mind is hard thing, you have to be strong to control it. But once you manage to do it, freedom comes. I think, I’m on my way to it, but I haven’t arrived yet. I’m still getting back to my close past and thinking about my previous relationships, looking for the reasons of its end, thinking what my ex is thinking and how is he feeling, sometimes feeling sad guessing that probably he is fully recovered as yesterday was already 3 months of the break. It’s not I don’t feel happy if he is ok, is more of not being able to control my mind and stop wondering whether he still thinks about me or not. Sometimes I feel I need some advice from the guy, who could explain me about the men brain. On the other hand I understand that everybody is different, so there is no one model of thinking.
I’m wondering… When I was in Madrid in October, he told me that at the moment it’s enough for him to communicate very little with me – just as with his best friend – talk from time to time every few months. But since I left, he’s been starting the conversation every once a week, every 7-10 days. I don’t understand, why he still needs to keep me updated about his life and keep him updated about mine? I know that we split like civilised persons, but anyway, why does he need so intensive communication? He is not calling to any of his friends every week…
I think, this is my luggage, which I still can’t leave behind. I don’t know why. I almots don’t expect any more that someday he comes back and says it was a mistake, and let’s try again. I think, the more time passes, the further we are and that’s where the end comes. So I’m keeping this tiny communication… I don’t even know why. Maybe experimenting my feelings and learning to control my words? Maybe in this way I’m learning patience? I just don’t want to cross the line and make more harm for me. I’ll see how everything will be going on later and maybe I’ll cut of this communication. We can’t be friends in our case. Generally, I think, that in very few cases ex couples could stay friends. What do you think?
So, as coming back to the topic, staying in the past doesn’t bring anything positive, because we are wasting our energy to some things which can’t be changed, we start to feel guilty, sorry for ourselves and stop thinking that the present is given for changing something. Everytime I feel I’m starting to think about my past, how nice it was and how bad is now, I’m trying to stop doing it and find what is good now. And there are good things now as well. For example, my plans for going to Basque Country. I don’t know how it will be there, but I’m sure, the change of environment, fresh-air in my everyday life will bring me new energy. I’ll be again with new people in new place. And even I’ll know spanish, but I won’t know euskera. And I will try to learn it.
I’m very glad, that I can notice the change in my well-being. Couple of months ago the most I could plan, was what will I do in couple of hours. Later I could plan next day, but I was never sure whether I do what I have planned. Now I’m planning what I will be doing in couple of months. And more, I’m leaving my COMFORT ZONE, and going somewhere for 2 months. Two months ago I didn’t want to leave my home for more than 5 hours and later I needed to come back to MY PLACE, MY COMFORT ZONE. That’s a huge step forward.
This change is not because of passing time, but also of conscious work with myself. I’m trying every day, one day more, other less, but I’m keeping the path I’ve started with this 100 days to self-motivation adventure. And I’m really glad and thankful, that people have joined me and they are following my journey. Maybe they even adapt some of the steps to their lifes.