I have these feelings just right now. Tomorrow I’m starting the second half of the path to self motivation. It’s amazing. Even I’m the only one who thinks that, but it’s amazing!
So strange. It seems, I’ve started it both – yesterday and long long time ago. On the one hand time has passed so fast that I didn’t even realized. On the other hand, I feel myself so different from that day “me”, that it’s strange that it has passed just 50 days. A bit more, as I’ve missed few days without writing.
I’m thinking differently, I’m doing fine, I’m planning my future! I see my future! I’m making my plans! Last day I faced with the fact that I’m going to Basque country for a couple of months – first time for so long time after august… I´m moving out of my comfort zone again.
All these signs show me, that I’m doing fine. I’m recovering. Or, let’s say, I’m learning to live in my new life. Let’s not use this “I’m recovering”. Maybe I’ve recovered and now I’m adapting new me to my new life. It sounds better.
Even I didn’t seem so, I was working one me.
I was having my daily responsibilities, such as post every day, without any kind of excuses.
I was being conscious, paying attention to my behaviour, thoughts, controling them. I was listening to myself and to my needs.
I was wanting to have my life, I was convincing me, that everything what is happening in the life, has a start and the end.
I let myself to feel. I let myself to be angry. To hate, to be angry at the most important person in my life. I let myself to pass through all steps of acceptance of the lose.
It’s not the end, maybe the hardest is just waiting for me. But I know – I’m already different, so I’ll be handleing it in different way.
And I hope, that the worst is already in the past.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t want the things which were important to me back. It means I’ve learnt to live without it. It means, I can love being here, being apart. It means, I’m accepting my reality and feeling comfortable with it.
I’m so happy about it. Yes, happy, let’s not be afraid of this word!