Sometimes I was used to imagine something what I’d like to happen and what would I do or say. It is like I’m imagining some conversations or situations. And strange thing is, that sometimes it was happening in the real life. It’s like my thoughts would be provoking the real facts.
S.Chandler says to have some dreams and imagine that you are fullfilling it. Try to have clear dream, with all small details in it, and later try to make it come true.
“The principle is this: You won’t do anything you can’t picture yourself
doing. Visioneering is just another word for picturing yourself. Once you
make the picturing process conscious and deliberate, you begin to
create the self you want to be. We dive into the pictures we create.”
This reminds me one of the first steps, where I had to picture myself, and live this view. For example, step 3.
Probably, it should work, because it sounds logically, that when we don’t have any vision, any direction to go, it’s very hard to achieve something. But when it appears some dream, aim, goal, suddendly it appears the way to go and make it come true.
Lately I’m feeling down again, so it’s hard for me to have some vision. I start to feel again, that all the things I’m doing lately, are fake, I do them just not to feel bad about the break of my long term relationships. Especially, when I’m in Spain/Basque Country, my ex boyfriend is in Madrid and it’s very strange feeling. He’s coming to visit me next week, but I’m not sure anymore if it’s really what I want.
Sometimes I feel again, that the pain I had when we broke, didn’t decrease, is the same big, just I’m now different to handle it better. But these days, instead of thinking about my fieldwork and what should I do, I’m thinking about him. And sometimes I wake up in the night missing him, thinking about him and being dissapointed when I realize that it’s not a nightmare, but still the reality, that I’m not with him and that there is no left place for me in his life…
And in these moments it’s very hard for me to make a vision of me and my life without him. But I must move on and go. The past stays where it is its place – in the past… Or at least it should be so…