I know, it’s been a while I haven’t written. There is no excuse to this – I was not so busy moving back from Basque country to Lituania, I was not too busy getting back to the studies and meeting friends. I was just without some fire, without motivation to write and to reflect, so I decided to wait a while and do it later. So now is the moment.
How were all these days of my experiment? I started it in the middle of October. To be more precise – the 13th of October. It was saturday. I had a terrible hangover after drinking whiskey all night with my friend and friends of her. The consequence of this was that I overslept the next days french test. No matter, having a good time sometimes requires some sacrificies.
Just that week, tuesday to thursday I was in Madrid, trying to talk to my ex boyfriend, try to understand why we broke and if he really feels sure about this, if he doesn’t even want to try and to show him how much I care – coming from Lithuania to Spain for one day and a half is not so easy and cheap plan :)
Anyway, that week, after talking to my ex, I saw that I’ve done everything and that there is no way to get the relationship back and what I have to do – is to move forward. I was dead inside, I knew what I have to do, but I didn’t have any idea HOW. I didn’t feel anything inside of me, I didn’t have any motivation, I was not concentrated at all, I didn’t have the aim for anything.
So one day I started to look on the internet the ways of motivating myself, even though I didn’t believe in these things. Suddenly I found this book “100 ways to motivate yourself” (S.Chandler) and I downloaded it. I thought – if I read it, nothing will happen. I need to do something else. I don’t need only to read it, I’ve lost everything I had in my life, so now it’s time to act and recover at least something. That’s how the idea of blog has apperead. Writting a blog was some kind of compromise with myself, some duty which I was suppose to do everyday. Even though I knew that if I stop, I will dissapoint only me, I told to myself – this time you MUST do this, you can’t fail again. Are you able to do at least one thing in your life good? So I started. I was conscious about all the process. I knew that firstly I will be excited and motivated of writing everyday, lately I will start to think how stupid and useless it is, how I’m wasting my time, etc. I knew, that I will have to pass through these doubts in order to get to the moment when writing becomes my habit and responsability. And it did.
If I had to name all the steps I had to do during these months, I wouldn’t. It’s not I’ve done everything, but some of them stayed in my mind. First of all, it’s step 1. Get on yourdeathbed. I remember that day I was writing this and how much I put myself into it. I has changed everything. Since that moment I started to think differently about the people who suround me, I started to try to give more, expect less and accept the different ways they are with me.
Step 4. Keep your eyes on the prize. The other post which moved me. Until now I am amazed how the concentration on the goals is working. I noticed, that I was concentrated on one goal, but later I was getting prizes from the other, which was not my goal exactly. I will explain it soon.
Step 14.Bounce your thoughts. It’s about changing the way of thinking, like we change the hand in which we have the ball. Sometimes we say “I can’t” just because we’ve never tried. If we try, we se that we can.
Actually, a lot of useful steps have been during all these 100 days. But the most important is not the content, but that I managed to make a habit to reflect about them everyday, which made my life full not only of studies, but also of some other things. I had to keep myself conscious all the time, so I could be able to recognize my feelings and work with them.
I did something wrong. Or, let’s say, I haven’t done something until the end. I still organize my time bad and don’t pay too much attention to my mind again, sometimes I feel again that I’m losing the control of my daily life and it controls me, so I’m just reacting, which is not good. The good point is that I’m realising it and I can change it. Every moment.
I created this blog, because I wanted to get rid of the painful break up with the most important person in my life. My first idea was to make 100 steps and show him what I’m capable of , and that there was no point to leave me for the reasons he said. Later I decided that what I’m doing is for me, not for him, and if he is happy without me, he loses a lot, but I hope he wins more. It’s painful to realize that someone you used to share you life with is better without you, but it’s the reality and everything is perfect just in fairy tales. And the only one thing I want for the person I still love – him to be happy.
Few months ago, in October, I was broken. I was apathetic. I hadn’t had the joy of life. I didn’t want to be with the people. I couldn’t leave my home for more than a few hours, later I needed to come back, lay down in my bed and watch to the ceiling. My psychologist told me once that the feelings I’m decribing to her, bring to depresion and that she’s worried about me. I failed driving exam. I left french classes. I spent a lot of money for buying plane tickets and not using them. I almost didn’t eat anything for a couple of months and I lost about 7kg. My eyes were emotionless, I didn’t have any needs.
Somehow I managed to put my eye on my studies and it was the only one thing that I was interested in. I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t want to fail also here, I don’t know. But it helped me and the big concentration soon came up with results.
First of all, I’m getting a monthly scholarship. It’s not huge amount of money, but it’s a first time in my life and it’s a great motivation. Secondly, I spent couple of months in Basque country, thanks to my studies. There I didn’t do a great job in investigation, but I recovered the part of myself.
So today, after 5 months and a half since the start of this blog, I’m fixing myself after being broken. I recovered the joy of life. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is not about my ex that he is still sleeping, but about this day, or just something like “oh no, let’s sleep 5 minutes more!” I have new friends, who enjoy spending time with me. I recovered my self-esteem. I spent few months outside my comfort zone in Lithuania and made new friends there. I was even able to start to like a guy whom I’m going to visit to Poland in few days. At the end he is my friend, and we’ll never be a couple, but I’m glad to have him as a friend. I feel peace inside of me. I’m calm. I don’t know what happens tomorrow, but I try to do the best today to have better tomorrow. I’m going to study to Denmark, to Copenhagen next semester. I’ve never been to Denmark! My friend said that my face and my eyes are different. I feel them different, like more shinny. I feel happy! And no matter, that everything I have now, I call “Plan B. Less bad.” Less bad… And no matter that I would refuse probably everything if I could hug and kiss my ex boyfriend again. No matter that I badly want his eyes to be fixed on me and full of love like before. I don’t have this anymore, but I have other things, so I chose to take them and move instead of staying in the past.
And yes, sometimes I’m still crying during the nights. I cut the communication with him, because I felt that I’m way better when I’m not in touch with him. At least now. Yes, sometimes I get sad. But then I let myself feel. I’m not controling myself. I cry, I drawn in memories. But in the morning I wake up, look through the window, dress up and go to the university, where I know that I will meet my friends and have some interesting classes about social anthropology. I have plans for the close future – Poland next week, maybe Basque country this summer, Denmark from September… Scholarship every month. This year is going better than I expected. Last year took everyting I had, this one is giving everything I hadn’t before.
I don’t know if some conclusion is needed. During this time I hope that I’ve learned to accept the things they are, because not accepting means putting yourself in a meaningless trouble. Everything has a meaning. Good things have price and bad things – awards. Sooner or later. All you need is a patience.