Blue and yellow

P1110249

Kaunas 2014

I woke up yesterday morning and just had this terrible feeling, kind of sadness mixed with guilt, that I still don’t feel like writing my thesis. Although so little left – in two months I have already to present it. So if I concentrate better and work more on it, I could still start and finish it.

Then I took mental break. Went to the shop to buy some stuff I needed, took a bath, drunk my cup of coffee with milk and wonderful chocolate, sent 3 postcards, bought 3 books and… started to talk with one friend. Then I decided – it’s been a while I haven’t talked to him, so let it be that this day will be dedicated to him and tomorrow I’ll work on my thesis… How many tomorrow’s have I had? Everyday since the end of January… So many tomorrows…

And I woke up today… Early… To have a full day of work. But it’s Sunday. And sun is shining. And I’ve never enjoyed this, it’s like I’m always postponing sun and sunny days and take them for granted. So I grabbed my camera, sent a message to one girl and we met in the place of my city where I was used to go when I was little, but later I just forgot about it and never went back. P1110262

It was a great day. Full of conversation, sharing of experience, smiles, stories. I completely don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time. I know that if I had stayed at home, I would have wasted it on the Internet. And now I just had a rich sociable day. Maybe even started to feel more motivated.

And you know… I don’t feel stressed, I don’t feel bad that I’m still not doing this. I feel a bit dissapointed by myself, as everyday I’m promising myself to start doing things, and everyday I’m postponing it. On the other hand I’m just simply happy. I’m just enjoying these days of freedom. And sun. And possibility to be here and now.

But I’m also realizing that motivation is not some magic thing which is held by ones and not by others. It’s nothing we can take from the shelf and later put it back. It’s kind of a process. It’s something we create through the hard work in both: our minds and our behaviour. And it’s never finished, rather is always being processed. We create our aims and we’re trying to reach them. We build the walls and we break them. Our hands are full of power. Constructive and destructive. Both. It’s up to us which power we will use. It’s up to me which side will I take now. No excuses. And no regrets.

P1110252

Plan: DENMARK

Copenhagen

Copenhagen 2013

You have ants in your pants. My aunt was used to say. And my friend. Some of the people I know lately say that they’ve lost me in the map and have no idea where I am. I’m not sure it’s true. I’m always in the map. Somewhere. And I pay a huge price for that. For being that dynamic dot which is always moving.

Some people are afraid to lose me.

Some people don’t want to get used to me, because they think I’m gonna leave soon.

Some people don’t want to give me a job, ’cause they think I’ll leave anytime I decide. They don’t trust me when I say I can be stable. Can I?

I love some people, but I always have to say them bye. And I never know when I’ll see them again. But I see. Some of them. The dearest ones.

I can always go to see my friends and be sure that I’m gonna have a wonderful time.

Lots of thoughts, advantages and disadvantages… doubts. Is it good or bad?

And now… Since I’m finishing my master in couple of months… I’m asking again myself: what’s next? 

I’m consciously not taking any jobs, any responsabilities, anything what could keep me in Lithuania, anything what would make my decision to leave harder. It’s like I’m cutting the ties which are left and preparing to go. Getting ready to part. This time with one way ticket to somewhere I don’t know what’s waiting for me.

My body is asking for a new page. For a challenge. For a possibility not to fail, but to fight. To create. Am I able to do this?

Taste of Copenhagen

Taste of Copenhagen

I don’t need extreme change once again. But I don’t want comfortable, easiest plan either. Denmark sounds like a plan. I have few friends there, have no idea about the language, love Copenhagen. If somebody was lucky, why shouldn’t I be?

I have no money, no job for the moment, nothing. Just an idea. And since today on I’ll try to work on this and see how my plan called Denmark works. I’ll keep you posted.

Wish me luck, give me advises, share your experience and encourage me. I don’t want this to become only a risky adventure – I want this to be a new start and a moment to grow. I need this. I’m ready for this.

And until then: If you never try, you’ll never know. Coldplay.

30 things we MUST stop doing to ourselves

30 things we MUST stop doing to ourselves

I know… It’s been a while… a long while since my last post… I’ve lived in San Sebastian, in Copenhagen, I’ve visited Norway, Denmark, Slovaquia, Hungary, Sweden during this time… I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve made friends, I’ve lost them, I kissed, I huged, I’ve been lonely, I’ve been happy. I’ve done a lot, and nothing at the same time… And now, the wish, the need for writing is coming back to me.

I guess, the concept of this blog will be different at some point… Or no. I don’t know. But I’m promising myself to get back on track. And write. About something. Something what is in my mind and needs to be written.

Here is the link: 30 things we MUST stop doing to ourselves. No comments needed. But how many times we’re repeating all of this?