I woke up yesterday morning and just had this terrible feeling, kind of sadness mixed with guilt, that I still don’t feel like writing my thesis. Although so little left – in two months I have already to present it. So if I concentrate better and work more on it, I could still start and finish it.
Then I took mental break. Went to the shop to buy some stuff I needed, took a bath, drunk my cup of coffee with milk and wonderful chocolate, sent 3 postcards, bought 3 books and… started to talk with one friend. Then I decided – it’s been a while I haven’t talked to him, so let it be that this day will be dedicated to him and tomorrow I’ll work on my thesis… How many tomorrow’s have I had? Everyday since the end of January… So many tomorrows…
And I woke up today… Early… To have a full day of work. But it’s Sunday. And sun is shining. And I’ve never enjoyed this, it’s like I’m always postponing sun and sunny days and take them for granted. So I grabbed my camera, sent a message to one girl and we met in the place of my city where I was used to go when I was little, but later I just forgot about it and never went back.
It was a great day. Full of conversation, sharing of experience, smiles, stories. I completely don’t feel like I’ve wasted my time. I know that if I had stayed at home, I would have wasted it on the Internet. And now I just had a rich sociable day. Maybe even started to feel more motivated.
And you know… I don’t feel stressed, I don’t feel bad that I’m still not doing this. I feel a bit dissapointed by myself, as everyday I’m promising myself to start doing things, and everyday I’m postponing it. On the other hand I’m just simply happy. I’m just enjoying these days of freedom. And sun. And possibility to be here and now.
But I’m also realizing that motivation is not some magic thing which is held by ones and not by others. It’s nothing we can take from the shelf and later put it back. It’s kind of a process. It’s something we create through the hard work in both: our minds and our behaviour. And it’s never finished, rather is always being processed. We create our aims and we’re trying to reach them. We build the walls and we break them. Our hands are full of power. Constructive and destructive. Both. It’s up to us which power we will use. It’s up to me which side will I take now. No excuses. And no regrets.