Back to Basque country

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Poznan, Poland

Poznan, Poland

Here I am, alive and happy, in Spain already. I’m just waiting for my last bus to my destiny and just wanted to post some picture from the travel. In upcoming days I will start my travel stories.

Berlin

Berlin

On the road

2013-06-04 18.22.14Again.

The same emotion of moving out of the comfort zone. Bittersweet joy, little worries of how is it going to be this time, open heart for new experience and wish everything to be ok.

In few hours first time on my life I’m going to put my backpack (until now it was an orange bag or luggage) on my back and I’ll go on the road. There I’ll meet my classmate and we’ll stary our journey to Berlin

Can’t wait to see Berlin. No, can’t wait to start the travel, to be on the road and see what happens. If I open my heart, I suppose, I will meet people with the same opened hearts.

On Sunday I should go to Bremen. I will visit my classmate from school, I haven’t seen him for 8 years… When I was 12, I was inlove with him 🙂 Now he is married. He’s always been on of my best friends in school.

Next day it will be Dusseldorf, but just for a while, once I’m there, I should go to the airport and in early morning of next Tuesday I’m leaving to Santander. And in the afternoon finally I’ll reach my destiny – San Sebastian. 🙂 Again this year. For another two months. Some easy, peaceful feeling in my heart.

And during this time I expect to firewell my past and let it go. When I do it, new winds will come.

 

How were these 100 days towards self motivation?

388497_558397487514755_529650702_nI know, it’s been a while I haven’t written. There is no excuse to this – I was not so busy moving back from Basque country to Lituania, I was not too busy getting back to the studies and meeting friends. I was just without some fire, without motivation to write and to reflect, so I decided to wait a while and do it later. So now is the moment.

How were all these days of my experiment? I started it in the middle of October. To be more precise – the 13th of October. It was saturday. I had a terrible hangover after drinking whiskey all night with my friend and friends of her. The consequence of this was that I overslept the next days french test. No matter, having a good time sometimes requires some sacrificies.

Just that week, tuesday to thursday I was in Madrid, trying to talk to my ex boyfriend, try to understand why we broke and if he really feels sure about this, if he doesn’t even want to try and to show him how much I care – coming from Lithuania to Spain for one day and a half is not so easy and cheap plan 🙂

Anyway, that week, after talking to my ex, I saw that I’ve done everything and that there is no way to get the relationship back and what I have to do – is to move forward. I was dead inside, I knew what I have to do, but I didn’t have any idea HOW. I didn’t feel anything inside of me, I didn’t have any motivation, I was not concentrated at all, I didn’t have the aim for anything.

So one day I started to look on the internet the ways of motivating myself, even though I didn’t believe in these things. Suddenly I found this book “100 ways to motivate yourself” (S.Chandler) and I downloaded it. I thought – if I read it, nothing will happen. I need to do something else. I don’t need only to read it, I’ve lost everything I had in my life, so now it’s time to act and recover at least something. That’s how the idea of blog has apperead. Writting a blog was some kind of compromise with myself, some duty which I was suppose to do everyday. Even though I knew that if I stop, I will dissapoint only me, I told to myself – this time you MUST do this, you can’t fail again. Are you able to do at least one thing in your life good? So I started. I was conscious about all the process. I knew that firstly I will be excited and motivated of writing everyday, lately I will start to think how stupid and useless it is, how I’m wasting my time, etc. I knew, that I will have to pass through these doubts in order to get to the moment when writing becomes my habit and responsability. And it did.

If I had to name all the steps I had to do during these months, I wouldn’t. It’s not I’ve done everything, but some of them stayed in my mind. First of all, it’s step 1. Get on yourdeathbed. I remember that day I was writing this and how much I put myself into it. I has changed everything. Since that moment I started to think differently about the people who suround me, I started to try to give more, expect less and accept the different ways they are with me.

Step 4. Keep your eyes on the prize. The other post which moved me. Until now I am amazed how the concentration on the goals is working. I noticed, that I was concentrated on one goal, but later I was getting prizes from the other, which was not my goal exactly. I will explain it soon.

Step 14.Bounce your thoughts. It’s about changing the way of thinking, like we change the hand in which we have the ball. Sometimes we say “I can’t” just because we’ve never tried. If we try, we se that we can.

Actually, a lot of useful steps have been during all these 100 days. But the most important is not the content, but that I managed to make a habit to reflect about them everyday, which made my life full not only of studies, but also of some other things. I had to keep myself conscious all the time, so I could be able to recognize my feelings and work with them.

I did something wrong. Or, let’s say, I haven’t done something until the end. I still organize my time bad and don’t pay too much attention to my mind again, sometimes I feel again that I’m losing the control of my daily life and it controls me, so I’m just reacting, which is not good. The good point is that I’m realising it and I can change it. Every moment.

I created this blog, because I wanted to get rid of the painful break up with the most important person in my life. My first idea was to make  100 steps and show him what I’m capable of , and that there was no point to leave me for the reasons he said. Later I decided that what I’m doing is for me, not for him, and if he is happy without me, he loses a lot, but I hope he wins more. It’s painful to realize that someone you used to share you life with is better without you, but it’s the reality and everything is perfect just in fairy tales. And the only one thing I want for the person I still love – him to be happy.

Few months ago, in October, I was broken. I was apathetic. I hadn’t had the joy of life. I didn’t want to be with the people. I couldn’t leave my home for more than a few hours, later I needed to come back, lay down in my bed and watch to the ceiling. My psychologist told me once that the feelings I’m decribing to her, bring to depresion and that she’s worried about me. I failed driving exam. I left french classes. I spent a lot of money for buying plane tickets and not using them. I almost didn’t eat anything for a couple of months and I lost about 7kg. My eyes were emotionless, I didn’t have any needs.

Somehow I managed to put my eye on my studies and it was the only one thing that I was interested in. I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t want to fail also here, I don’t know. But it helped me and the big concentration soon came up with results.

First of all, I’m getting a monthly scholarship. It’s not huge amount of money, but it’s a first time in my life and it’s a great motivation. Secondly, I spent couple of months in Basque country, thanks to my studies. There I didn’t do a great job in investigation, but I recovered the part of myself.

So today, after 5 months and a half since the start of this blog, I’m fixing myself after being broken. I recovered the joy of life. I wake up  in the morning and my first thought is not about my ex that he is still sleeping, but about  this day, or just something like “oh no, let’s sleep 5 minutes more!” I have new friends, who enjoy spending time with me. I recovered my self-esteem. I spent few months outside my comfort zone in Lithuania and made new friends there. I was even able to start to like a guy whom I’m going to visit to Poland in few days. At the end he is my friend, and we’ll never be a couple, but I’m glad to have him as a friend. I feel peace inside of me. I’m calm. I don’t know what happens tomorrow, but I try to do the best today to have better tomorrow. I’m going to study to Denmark, to Copenhagen next semester. I’ve never been to Denmark! My friend said that my face and my eyes are different. I feel them different, like more shinny. I feel happy! And no matter, that everything I have now, I call “Plan B. Less bad.” Less bad… And no matter that I would refuse probably everything if I could hug and kiss my ex boyfriend again. No matter that  I badly want his eyes to be fixed on me and full of love like before. I don’t have this anymore, but I have other things, so I chose to take them and move instead of staying in the past.

And yes, sometimes I’m still crying during the nights. I cut the communication with him, because I felt that I’m way better when I’m not in touch with him. At least now. Yes, sometimes I get sad. But then I let myself feel. I’m not controling myself. I cry, I drawn in memories. But in the morning I wake up, look through the window, dress up and go to the university, where I know that I will meet my friends and have some interesting classes about social anthropology. I have plans for the close future – Poland next week, maybe Basque country this summer, Denmark from September… Scholarship every month. This year is going better than I expected. Last year took everyting I had, this one is giving everything I hadn’t before.

I don’t know if some conclusion is needed. During this time I hope that I’ve learned to accept the things they are, because not accepting means putting yourself in a meaningless trouble. Everything has a meaning. Good things have price and bad things – awards. Sooner or later. All you need is a patience.

 

How was February?

Español: Montes nevados en Bilbao, España.

Español: Montes nevados en Bilbao, España. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

February was my last month of 100 ways to self-motivation. It was very slow, I stopped daily posting, I left this control and let myself go again. But it’s me, it was strange that I kept myself controlled so long 🙂 The result of this – I saw, that I’m capable to do it, I’m able to control myself and keep me focused on some things.

  • I relaxed myself so much, that I left my practice a part and it seems, I was only enjoying San Sebastian and Basque country.
  • I still haven’t learnt to organize my time, I’m sure, I’ve wasted a lot of it, instead of having used it way better.
  • I’ve realised, that this “self-motivation” project didn’t help to forget the person who was “responsible” that I started it. My ex. Just on 15th of February he and our friends from Madrid came to visit me and I had a really tough time… It was very hard to hide my eyes and not to cry in front of others. I realised that no matter how much time has passed, no matter that I have started to like one guy from Bilbao, I still love my ex and I would change everything to be able to hug him again. So my learning to live without him and accept the absence of him, understand that he is not coming back and live with this fact, should go on… After 100 days of self-motivation, learning to change negative thoughts with positive, accept emotions, accept bad things which happen, I’m moving. Yesterday I cut the communication. I wrote him that I can’t pretend that we are friends when we aren’t, I said that I love him and I want him back and that I don’t want to know anything about him now. It was sad and painful when he just agreed with this, and didn’t fight for anything. I felt some kind of coldness… I can’t believe this, but probably it’s time to accept the fact – there is no love from his part… It has lost somewhere… Anyway, yesterday I was very sad, I took cappuccino in one of my favourites cafeterias in Donosti, went to buy some presents to Lithuania, some small things for me and later I was sitting in the harbour. I was thinking… Remembering what’s good in my life instead of getting back to the only one bad thing which happened in last seven months – break with him. There are a lot of good things in my life, such as my master, two months here, new people, more self-confidence, new friend from Bilbao, illusions for other scholarships and possibilities to live more in other countries…
  • February was full of people, who let me see myself, get to know myself better. Maybe the biggest discovery is – my self-confidence. I don’t know if it came back, or I got it. But it doesn’t matter. I like this feeling. It’s like I’m raising up after long long time being down.

 

 

20 things which I’d like to do in San Sebastian

P1060554Staying in one place and have some “must do” list is always fun. So, it doesn’t matter I’m here for one month already, there is some time left and I will try to make some list what I’d like to do.

  1. Visit San Telmo museum (I was just in one exposition, some more left)
  2. Order a drink or smth in Basque language
  3. Take a bath in the sea
  4. Go hiking
  5. Dance all night long
  6. Spend a relax day only for me in the beach or in the harbour
  7. Go to jazz concert
  8. Go to the theater for 3 euros
  9. Go to Getaria
  10. Watch the sunset in Kontxa beach
  11. Go to the Maria Cristina park
  12. Find the best pintxo
  13. Go to Perla (SPA)
  14. Run in the beach
  15. Eat ice-cream in the old part
  16. Go to Sidrería (indeed, I´m going to do it soon)
  17. Discover Antiguo (it’s the district I’m living, but I still don’t know it)
  18. Go to the university library
  19. Go out with people from my NGO
  20. Catch the moment of joy and keep it for a while

20 things of my life which make me happy

P1060670Ok, as I have mentioned in my previous post, that these two days I’m a bit less motivated, I decided to use a therapy of positive thinking and think about 20 things in my present life which make me happy. Let’s see if I reach this number 🙂

  1. I have compromised to do this 100 days to the self-motivation route, and I’m still doing it.
  2. The good results of first semester of the master.
  3. New people in my life in Lithuania, with whom I feel quite comfortable.
  4. I see the sea everyday!
  5. I have an amazing possibility to live in San Sebastian, at least for a while.
  6. The knowlegde of spanish language.
  7. New experiences and new people I’m facing being here.
  8. The honesty and concern of the people whom I don’t know so well.
  9. I have a possibility to travel a little in Basque Country.
  10. There is a huge respect between me and my ex boyfriend. There is still hope, that maybe one day we will get back together, if we still have the feelings for each other in that moment.
  11. The parents of my ex boyfriend still love me and they want to see me when I’m here.
  12. My friends from Madrid are coming to visit me in February.
  13. I’ll start to learn basque language.
  14. I’m running in the beach. I’ve fullfiled one of my little dreams!
  15. People appreciate my job and they have a faith in me. Sometimes more than I do 🙂
  16. Grey’s anatomy 🙂
  17. Awards for my blog. I’ve already got 2 🙂
  18. The belief that time is passing and everything will be ok sooner or later. I know, that it depends on me.
  19. The peace I have inside of me.
  20. The wish to live.

Step 73. Use the 5% solution

patience

I have never been patient. Last years I wanted everything and fast. If it wasn’t happening, I was feeling bad. Very bad. I still can’t understand what has happened to me last years when I was so sleeping in my life.

Step by step. Little by little. Things are happening slowly. But they ARE happening. First day it’s hard to see, but later, from the time perspective we can see some changes. As I do see changes now, when comparing my life with september, for example. During that time January was amazingly far away and I didn’t know how I’m going to survive until it. And now here I am, 8th of January, I’m still alive. I’m in Basque Country, trying to do something!

I just stopped waiting for something impatiently. I started to do things and believe, that if I do them, sooner or later I’ll get the result. Yes, it’s hard to wait, but there are no other options. We aren’t kids anymore who can’t wait to get a candy.

Of course, it’s not always like this. I still have where to grow and never forget, that if I do – I achieve. The failure lies in not doing.

Step 72. Go to war

P1060220Yesterday I met one elder man. I was just sitting and reading a book when he came and started to talk to me. We spent maybe 4 hours talking, walking and having a lunch. He is basque, so one moment we started to talk about all basque stuff – nationalism, identity, ETA, what does it mean to be basque, their language. And I said to him, “you know, I read and I kind of agree with that, that the level of euskera users (basque language) increased during the Franco times and after. If not Franco, maybe it would have died. Because the number of euskera speakers was declining , people didn’t use it. When Franco came and forbid it, it was like a wake up call to basques – “Wait, somebody came and said we can’t use OUR language, and have to speak THEIR one! No, we won’t do that!” And so some hidden schools, called “ikastolas” appearead, it has started other movements to save the basque culture and the language.

So this is an example, how one crisis can provoke the strenght of society to fight for what is important. The same could do individuals. Sometimes, when we have comfortable life, when everything goes well, we “fall asleep” and don’t do anything. But just when something bad happens or we are passing through tough time, we “wake up” and start to make some changes. For me it happened when we broke with  my boyfriend, for others it happens when they get some serious disease or loss their jobs or anything else what’s important.

Probably it’s normal. When everything goes good in our lives, we usually don’t think, why it’s good – we take it for granted. Opposite happens when we face up some problems. We ask – why? Why for me?

If we don’t pay attention to this phenomenon—how crisis inspires our
best efforts—we tend to brainlessly create a life based on comfort. We
try to design easier and easier ways to live, so that we won’t be
surprised or challenged by anything.
People who get the knack of self-motivation can reverse this process
and get that wonderful “World War II” sense of vitality into their lives.”

We should find the answer to a question

“If I had just a year to
live, how would I live differently? What exactly would I do?”

Step 70. Face the sun

Last two days I was traveling and here I am – in Spain again, in Basque country. It’s so strange feeling – like half coming back home, but other half like coming to knew place with new people and almost without anything what was before. Sad, on the other hand – interesting.

And this is today’s lesson – to face the sun. To choose the point of view we want to have when we are facing up the things. They depend only on our point of view, on nothing else.

“The way we choose to see
the world creates the world we see.”

I’m trying to see the beautiful world. Especially now, when it’s first time when I’m in Spain being lonely, not with a boyfriend. Well, yes, it was in October when I went to Madrid to talk to him, but then it was different.

Well, let’s see what these 2 months will bring me!

 

1/2 of the path: I’ve never thought I’ll be here

eiks

Self-confidence.

Relief.

Proud.

Joy.

Happiness.

Trust.

I have these feelings just right now. Tomorrow I’m starting the second half of the path to self motivation. It’s amazing. Even I’m the only one who thinks that, but it’s amazing!

So strange. It seems, I’ve started it both – yesterday and long long time ago. On the one hand time has passed so fast that I didn’t even realized. On the other hand, I feel myself so different from that day “me”, that it’s strange that it has passed just 50 days. A bit more, as I’ve  missed few days without writing.

I’m thinking differently, I’m doing fine, I’m planning my future! I see my future! I’m making my plans! Last day I faced with the fact that I’m going to Basque country for a couple of months – first time for so long time after august… I´m moving out of my comfort zone again.

All these signs show me, that I’m doing fine. I’m recovering. Or, let’s say, I’m learning to live in my new life. Let’s not use this “I’m recovering”. Maybe I’ve recovered and now I’m adapting new me to my new life. It sounds better.

37_picsSo, what’s happened, that I want to live again?

Even I didn’t seem so, I was working one me.

I was having my daily responsibilities, such as post every day, without any kind of excuses.

I was being conscious, paying attention to my behaviour, thoughts, controling them. I was listening to myself and to my needs.

I was wanting to have my life, I was convincing me, that everything what is happening in the life, has a start and the end.

I let myself to feel. I let myself to be angry. To hate, to be angry at the most important person in my life. I let myself to pass through all steps of acceptance of the lose.

It’s not the end, maybe the hardest is just waiting for me. But I know – I’m already different, so I’ll be handleing it in different way.

And I hope, that the worst is already in the past.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love anymore. It doesn’t mean I don’t want the things which were important to me back. It means I’ve learnt to live without it. It means, I can love being here, being apart. It means, I’m accepting my reality and feeling comfortable with it.

I’m so happy about it. Yes, happy, let’s not be afraid of this word!