How were these 100 days towards self motivation?

388497_558397487514755_529650702_nI know, it’s been a while I haven’t written. There is no excuse to this – I was not so busy moving back from Basque country to Lituania, I was not too busy getting back to the studies and meeting friends. I was just without some fire, without motivation to write and to reflect, so I decided to wait a while and do it later. So now is the moment.

How were all these days of my experiment? I started it in the middle of October. To be more precise – the 13th of October. It was saturday. I had a terrible hangover after drinking whiskey all night with my friend and friends of her. The consequence of this was that I overslept the next days french test. No matter, having a good time sometimes requires some sacrificies.

Just that week, tuesday to thursday I was in Madrid, trying to talk to my ex boyfriend, try to understand why we broke and if he really feels sure about this, if he doesn’t even want to try and to show him how much I care – coming from Lithuania to Spain for one day and a half is not so easy and cheap plan 🙂

Anyway, that week, after talking to my ex, I saw that I’ve done everything and that there is no way to get the relationship back and what I have to do – is to move forward. I was dead inside, I knew what I have to do, but I didn’t have any idea HOW. I didn’t feel anything inside of me, I didn’t have any motivation, I was not concentrated at all, I didn’t have the aim for anything.

So one day I started to look on the internet the ways of motivating myself, even though I didn’t believe in these things. Suddenly I found this book “100 ways to motivate yourself” (S.Chandler) and I downloaded it. I thought – if I read it, nothing will happen. I need to do something else. I don’t need only to read it, I’ve lost everything I had in my life, so now it’s time to act and recover at least something. That’s how the idea of blog has apperead. Writting a blog was some kind of compromise with myself, some duty which I was suppose to do everyday. Even though I knew that if I stop, I will dissapoint only me, I told to myself – this time you MUST do this, you can’t fail again. Are you able to do at least one thing in your life good? So I started. I was conscious about all the process. I knew that firstly I will be excited and motivated of writing everyday, lately I will start to think how stupid and useless it is, how I’m wasting my time, etc. I knew, that I will have to pass through these doubts in order to get to the moment when writing becomes my habit and responsability. And it did.

If I had to name all the steps I had to do during these months, I wouldn’t. It’s not I’ve done everything, but some of them stayed in my mind. First of all, it’s step 1. Get on yourdeathbed. I remember that day I was writing this and how much I put myself into it. I has changed everything. Since that moment I started to think differently about the people who suround me, I started to try to give more, expect less and accept the different ways they are with me.

Step 4. Keep your eyes on the prize. The other post which moved me. Until now I am amazed how the concentration on the goals is working. I noticed, that I was concentrated on one goal, but later I was getting prizes from the other, which was not my goal exactly. I will explain it soon.

Step 14.Bounce your thoughts. It’s about changing the way of thinking, like we change the hand in which we have the ball. Sometimes we say “I can’t” just because we’ve never tried. If we try, we se that we can.

Actually, a lot of useful steps have been during all these 100 days. But the most important is not the content, but that I managed to make a habit to reflect about them everyday, which made my life full not only of studies, but also of some other things. I had to keep myself conscious all the time, so I could be able to recognize my feelings and work with them.

I did something wrong. Or, let’s say, I haven’t done something until the end. I still organize my time bad and don’t pay too much attention to my mind again, sometimes I feel again that I’m losing the control of my daily life and it controls me, so I’m just reacting, which is not good. The good point is that I’m realising it and I can change it. Every moment.

I created this blog, because I wanted to get rid of the painful break up with the most important person in my life. My first idea was to make  100 steps and show him what I’m capable of , and that there was no point to leave me for the reasons he said. Later I decided that what I’m doing is for me, not for him, and if he is happy without me, he loses a lot, but I hope he wins more. It’s painful to realize that someone you used to share you life with is better without you, but it’s the reality and everything is perfect just in fairy tales. And the only one thing I want for the person I still love – him to be happy.

Few months ago, in October, I was broken. I was apathetic. I hadn’t had the joy of life. I didn’t want to be with the people. I couldn’t leave my home for more than a few hours, later I needed to come back, lay down in my bed and watch to the ceiling. My psychologist told me once that the feelings I’m decribing to her, bring to depresion and that she’s worried about me. I failed driving exam. I left french classes. I spent a lot of money for buying plane tickets and not using them. I almost didn’t eat anything for a couple of months and I lost about 7kg. My eyes were emotionless, I didn’t have any needs.

Somehow I managed to put my eye on my studies and it was the only one thing that I was interested in. I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t want to fail also here, I don’t know. But it helped me and the big concentration soon came up with results.

First of all, I’m getting a monthly scholarship. It’s not huge amount of money, but it’s a first time in my life and it’s a great motivation. Secondly, I spent couple of months in Basque country, thanks to my studies. There I didn’t do a great job in investigation, but I recovered the part of myself.

So today, after 5 months and a half since the start of this blog, I’m fixing myself after being broken. I recovered the joy of life. I wake up  in the morning and my first thought is not about my ex that he is still sleeping, but about  this day, or just something like “oh no, let’s sleep 5 minutes more!” I have new friends, who enjoy spending time with me. I recovered my self-esteem. I spent few months outside my comfort zone in Lithuania and made new friends there. I was even able to start to like a guy whom I’m going to visit to Poland in few days. At the end he is my friend, and we’ll never be a couple, but I’m glad to have him as a friend. I feel peace inside of me. I’m calm. I don’t know what happens tomorrow, but I try to do the best today to have better tomorrow. I’m going to study to Denmark, to Copenhagen next semester. I’ve never been to Denmark! My friend said that my face and my eyes are different. I feel them different, like more shinny. I feel happy! And no matter, that everything I have now, I call “Plan B. Less bad.” Less bad… And no matter that I would refuse probably everything if I could hug and kiss my ex boyfriend again. No matter that  I badly want his eyes to be fixed on me and full of love like before. I don’t have this anymore, but I have other things, so I chose to take them and move instead of staying in the past.

And yes, sometimes I’m still crying during the nights. I cut the communication with him, because I felt that I’m way better when I’m not in touch with him. At least now. Yes, sometimes I get sad. But then I let myself feel. I’m not controling myself. I cry, I drawn in memories. But in the morning I wake up, look through the window, dress up and go to the university, where I know that I will meet my friends and have some interesting classes about social anthropology. I have plans for the close future – Poland next week, maybe Basque country this summer, Denmark from September… Scholarship every month. This year is going better than I expected. Last year took everyting I had, this one is giving everything I hadn’t before.

I don’t know if some conclusion is needed. During this time I hope that I’ve learned to accept the things they are, because not accepting means putting yourself in a meaningless trouble. Everything has a meaning. Good things have price and bad things – awards. Sooner or later. All you need is a patience.

 

Step 71. Travel deep inside

Sometime ago a definition of myself was based on others. I thought, I was what others told I was. When I was getting positive background from them, I thought I’m good at my job and in my personal life, when I was not getting anything, I was not good or invisible. That made me crazy. I was falling down and down. It has passed quite a lot of time until I realized, that my self perception shouldn’t be based on how others see me, because they don’t see the deepest things. They see just the outside part.

“Your potential is your true identity—it
only waits for self-motivation to come alive.”

This is internat journey. Only we can find what lies deep inside of us and only we can say who we are. Nobody else.

Since the moment I understood this, a lot of things have changed. It seems, I moved from that big shit of my life and I started something new. I didn’t need anyone to prove that I’m a good person. What I needed – was just to believe that I am so.

I’m realizing, that the less our lives are based on projections of others, the more we have control of them. And this is what motivates us and makes us create our lifes the way we want, but not the way we are expected.

Step 39. Come to your own rescue

Rescue me from the mire
Whisper words of desire
Rescue me – Darling rescue me
With your arms open wide
Want you here by my side
Come to me – darling rescue me
When this world’s closing in
There’s no need to pretend
Set me free – darling rescue me” (B.Adams “Do I have to say the words”)

The more I live, the more experience I get, the less I like some songs I used to love. Or the less I believe them. These lyrics sound so soft – rescue me – putting the responsibility to another person, all hopes, wishes, giving so much job to other instead of both being indepedent and loving each other. I prefer not to put my hopes and problems on another persons shoulder, but rather enjoy being together without anything else.

It’s so good when we are kids and our parents come to rescue us from every trouble we get in. Then we don’t have to worry about anything – just ask for help and everything is done. When we grow up, our problems grow up with us, so parents aren’t able anymore to help. What happens? We sit and wait until something comes and helps us? But if nobody comes?

The notion that “no one is coming” was somehow terrifying to accept.
The idea that no one was going to rescue me from my circumstances is
an idea that I might never have accepted. That idea sounded too much
like the final abandonment.

The truth is, that…. NOBODY IS COMING.

It’s very important to understand and accept it. It’s the basis of everything. After having realized it, the thought that “ME” it’s enough, is very strong. In this moment you understand that you don’t need anyone to come to solve your problems.

Long time ago I was waiting for somebody to rescue me. I had to be patient. I was waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And waiting.

And.

Nobody came.

So finally I started to learn to fight alone. And I’m still doing this. And it’s so ok. I’m responsible for my troubles and succes. And it’s good.

And paradoxically, from that position of independence, truly great
relationships can be built, because they aren’t based on dependency and
fear. They are based on mutual independence and love.”

So, I could only advise to every one – don’t project your expectations on others. It’s us who do everything for us. Let’s do it like this, and it will be more time and possibilities to enjoy the rest of the things with other people.

 

Step 20. Leave high school forever

Do you still pay attention to what other people might think about you and your behaviour? Are you really 100% independent from their opinions? Are you sure? Are you completely conscious of your everyday life steps that they are not determined by others – their expectations from you, your acquired responsibilities, your decisions, circle of friends, job, profession, style… etc… etc… ?

Probably no one of us is completely free from others – we are humans and we live in social world. Even though, it’s up to us, how much we let others to determinate our lifes. That’s what happened to me.

In one moment of my life, I started to pay attention to what others would think about me, I was comparing myself with them and felt less valuable then they. I was eating myself from inside, falling deeper and deeper to low self-esteem, little love to myself and destruction of my relationships with people. And at the end – with my couple.

I don’t know where did everything come from, I’m not going to dig deep and look for someone to blame. At the end – there is no one to blame, as I have already discovered, I’m the one who is responsible for my decisions. So I decided to compare myself with others and let myself feel bad, ’cause I didn’t have what they had – but I lived in Madrid with the most amazing person and we had the most amazing relationship you can imagine. Every story is made of two sides, and I let myself hear just one of them.

According to S.Chandler, the thing, when we pay attention to others opinions, comes from the high school, when the influence is so huge, that nobody can resist it. Later we forget to put it apart and like an old luggage it is falling us everywhere we go.

It’s time to stop this negative thing, and start to live a personal life, based on personal decisions. Sometimes they will be unacceptable to others, but whilst they are personal and well thought, it’s ok.

Most people don’t realize how easily they can create the social
fearlessness they want to have. Instead, they live like they are still
teenagers, reacting to the imagined judgments of other people. They end
up designing their lives based on what other people might be thinking
about them. A life designed by a teenager! Would you want one?
But you can leave that mind-set behind. You can motivate yourself by
yourself, without depending on the opinions of others. All it takes is a
simple question. As Emerson asked, “Why should the way I feel depend
on the thoughts in someone else’s head?”

I’ve made this step few months ago, just when I came back from Spain to Lithuania. I realized what was wrong with me and why did I have this strange feelings all the time. I left it somewhere, and I started to enjoy my own decisions. I started to reflect on which decision was made by me, and which constructed by others. Believe me, life becomes way easier 🙂

Good luck!

I’ve made already 1/5 of my path. The time since day 10 and today flew amazingly fast, I didn’t even realize it. That’s a good sign, no? 🙂